Nine boys for ten girls: Is there monogamy in the 21st century?

The author of this material was 13 years old when his first relationship arose in his life. Like the vast majority (if not one hundred percent) of girls that age, it certainly struck me as the exception to the rule – at first glance and for life. I wanted to deliberately spoil the statistics of splitting couples and tell my grandchildren in old age that we have been with their grandparents since school. Luckily it didn’t work out, but I gave myself another chance. And by again. It took me almost a decade to quit monogamy and I’m still arguing with some storytellers like my parents. And although I have no arguments other than my personal experience (as well as my opponents), it is on this basis that the most heated debates, as a rule, flare up in friendly circles.

In any case, I want to believe in the best, but from the “height” of my age (to be honest, quite short), the stories of two once unfamiliar people living with each other for decades seem great – and it’s a big part of their entire life. And now they conditionally wake up for 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 years in a row, go through notorious stages in the development of relations and prove by their example the existence of “happily ever after.” All fairy tales end after the handsome prince kisses. Just last year, a close friend’s parents crossed the threshold of 30 years of marriage, and my own grandparents have been together since 1977 – as someone who “knows” even the 2000s only from the stories of those who found them; To me this date looks like another era.

In general, the farther from the forest, the more firewood, and if monogamy in the classical sense is common among the older generations (hence many stories that begin with the words: “But my ba and also …”), then in time, for a lifetime the love trend began to fade.

Galina Laisheva – clinical psychologist and psychotherapist of the Yasno service

Galina Laisheva, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist for the Yasno service, explains: “Generation Y likes to daydream about non-monogamous relationships: 43% see polygamy as a possible and desirable type of relationship, with about the same number preferring monogamy. Older generations are more conservative and in most cases choose monogamous relationships.

Modern monogamy tends to be serial—not a single spouse for life, but a chain of successive monogamous relationships, each conceived as ultimate.

The dream of marriage persists for social and economic reasons rather than romantic reasons.

Many believe that a sustainable monogamous household is necessary to raise children together and share financial and social risks. In reality, it is not always possible to establish such a supportive partnership: the number of divorces and alimony debts do not decrease in Russia.

He also confirms the naturalness of the changes that have occurred in my case with the attitude towards monogamy in principle, and says that with age, the attitude towards marriage changes. “Young people (mostly women) tend to romanticize marriage – the cost of weddings in the US has been rising since the 1980s. Men over 50 are more likely to seek a permanent mate because they care about care and comfort. Married men get sick less and die later, part of this is because women take care of their health and lifestyle. On the contrary, women value freedom and are in no hurry to consolidate relationships,” says Galina Laisheva.

In general, stories about monogamy in the 21st century are not difficult to find, and most likely every second (if not everyone in principle) around you will support this concept of relationship. One of my acquaintances, who did not want to be named, explains his stance on this issue as follows: “I am a long-distance player, so I have not been in a relationship for less than four years. In principle, I fall in love very much if we are talking about real feelings, and if this happens, then this story is definitely a long one. And in that sense, I don’t see how you can have the same strong feelings for someone else if you already love one person. It just doesn’t fit in my head because for me love is a pretty energy consuming thing and I’m not ready to “spray” at least one more person.

I believe in monogamy two hundred percent, only meeting someone who has already worked in the modern world and is ready for a serious relationship in the long run has become even more difficult. However, difficult does not mean impossible.

And if everything remains volatile but understandable with monogamy, many myths have formed around polygamy (a form of relationship in which at least one partner has other connections) throughout its existence. One of them says that such unions naturally exist in men, but Galina Laisheva disagrees: “The choice of the form of relationship for a particular person does not depend on biological factors, but on ideas about relationships. specific society. If a relationship is a long-term project that requires effort and investment, partners need loyalty, awareness, a desire to improve and develop themselves for someone else, go to a psychologist or training together. But if the relationship is a quick emotional product, no unnecessary effort is required, it is easier to switch partners or have more than one partner at the same time.

Speaking of monogamy, it’s religiously fixed. For example, according to the laws of the Orthodox Church, a couple who wants to get married not only say “Yes” to each other in the presence of witnesses, they go through a wedding ceremony and thus strengthen their union spiritually, and not. only officially. In Orthodoxy, a wedding is a sacred ceremony, and marriage between people symbolizes the marriage of Christ and the Church, therefore it becomes indestructible, and after that it is almost impossible to divorce (the exception may be special cases, which are always discussed with the clergy).

In fact, the Orthodox Church thus rejects not only the possibility of polygamy, but also the possibility of serial monogamy – the same sequential chain of relations.

And with such an attitude towards marriage and relationships, my colleague Lisa, who in principle does not believe in monogamy, would argue easily in principle. She says that even as a child she understood that she could love more than one person, and that it was never strange for her: “I thought it was normal until she told me that the ‘norm’ was actually different. At first there were thoughts: “What’s wrong with me? can i ever love Maybe it’s some kind of side effect? And then I started to analyze and realized that there was nothing wrong with that, that I could date one person and still love the other very much, and that doesn’t mean I’m neglecting one.

According to him, polygamy is perceived as something extraordinary, even in the modern world, when many things go from the category of “strange” to the category of “normal”: “Even in movies and TV shows they publish exclusively examples of monogamous relationships, and if a third appears in them, then this is someone’s It turns out that he still loves someone more.

For example, in the movie “Tonya Against Everyone” starring Margot Robbie, the main character’s father explained to him that there was no monogamy in childhood, but polygamy was fine. But it was shown through a character who cheated on his wife.

It’s not going left, it’s the same strong relationship, just with someone and not for life.

Freedom is very important to me as a person and I can find it in polygamous relationships. And also this lack of routine – monogamous relationships sooner or later become boring, secondary, closed, and in polygamy you are always open to relationships with other people. At least more interesting. I do not believe in monogamy – sooner or later you will break up or someone will start cheating.

If you believe another myth about polygamy, then men need sex more than women, and by the way, that’s not true either. “This idea explains infidelity and supports a gender-based assessment of sexual desire: men tend to overestimate the number of sexual partners, while women underestimate it. In fact, the need for sex is individual and depends on a number of characteristics – biological (structure and hormone levels), psychological (sex anxiety and loneliness). used as a remedy for or, conversely, to feel intimacy) and social (who and under what conditions is allowed to show sexuality),” explains Galina Laisheva.

“A person can choose a pattern of sexual behavior regardless of evolutionary or genetic limitations.

The choice is much more influenced by the dominant ideas in society about “ideal love” and the value of relationships.

People involved in such a complex project want to rationally evaluate risks and prospects in order to define the format of relationships, set boundaries and mutual expectations.

It’s great when all this can be discussed, the other understands his worth and finds the most appropriate form of relationship.