Frankly: What kind of love do the couples in “Three Feet Above the Sky”, “500 Days of Summer” and other movies have?

Dozens of movies and TV shows have taught us that “true love” is almost always born out of tragedy, whether it’s jealousy, misunderstanding, betrayal, or unrequited feelings.

Thanks largely to the example from the screens, we decided that a normal relationship without fights and then passionate reconciliation is boring.

But just as cinema is inherently impossible without dramatic conflict, real life should not exist apart from common sense. And he suggests that love isn’t a story about a showdown, it’s about finding compromises, not about scandals to broken plates, but about the ability to listen and hear. And if, for example, you know yourself and your spouse in the main characters of Three Meters Above Heaven, or if you think that your boyfriend is a copy of Tom Hanson from 500 Days of Summer, then you can understand what kind of dedication you have. Why do you know this? To better understand yourself and build relationships easier.

Zigmund.Online service psychotherapist Julia Kaminskaya tells us what behavior patterns are dictated to us on the big screens.

Julia Kaminskaya

Have you ever wondered why you overreact emotionally to some people’s behaviors, attitudes, or character traits? Have you noticed that you have your own communication style and that you often choose partners who are somewhat similar to each other, as if they were going through the same scenario over and over?

Anxious attachment type (“500 days of summer”)

A person with the anxious attachment type is insecure. Even a brief absence from a partner can make them feel rejected and unwanted. And this characterization is exactly what Tom Hanson in 500 Days of Summer describes.

At its core, the film shows not a love story, but the torment and self-destruction of a hero faced with the rejection of emotional intimacy. The main character can’t accept the fact that his girlfriend Summer’s love has come to an end and begins to blame himself for their love ending.

Emotionally dependent on relationships, he focuses on the object he admires and idealizes it too much, seeing only the positive aspects and preferring not to notice the negative. She also didn’t realize that Summer had warned her at the very beginning of the relationship that she didn’t believe in love. But this is the essence of the anxious attachment type. Tom Hanson really wants to be loved, he gets into a relationship with his head, he almost merges with a partner. However, not everyone can resist such an emotional demand. And then the main fear of a person with an anxious attachment becomes noticeable – to be abandoned. Most of the time, this scenario is played out when a person with an avoidant attachment style partners with an anxious type. Tom’s girlfriend doesn’t want to be in a long-term relationship with someone, she doesn’t believe in their reality after her parents divorced. Summer avoids a strong emotional attachment and her withdrawal breaks Tom’s heart. He will finally be able to collect it by meeting another “ideal” girl.

Avoidant Attachment (“One Day”)

The opposite of the anxious attachment type is the avoidant type. People with this type of attachment are perceived as bright, self-confident, independent, and even arrogant. Such is Dexter, the main character of the movie “One Day”. This is the story of Emma and Dexter, who agree to meet each year on their graduation day and remain friends despite their apparent interest in each other.

Emma is a charming girl, romantic, smart, ready to support, accepts Dexter with all her shortcomings. But the avoidant type of attachment keeps him from indulging in an emotional connection more than once a year.

People with this type prefer not to get married and have a serious relationship because they are afraid of becoming dependent on someone else and losing their freedom. In principle, relationships play the final role in Dexter’s life. Burns life, becomes a TV presenter, gains popularity. And the lack of emotional connection is drowned out by alcohol and drugs. After all, the inability to open up to loved ones is a protection against possible rejection.

The avoidant attachment type cannot believe in the unconditional love of another person. They are most often married for business reasons. In fact, that’s exactly what Dexter did, he married a girl from wealthy parents and got pregnant by her. He prefers to love from a safe distance. When Dexter nevertheless finds the strength to accept his love for Emma and start a relationship with her, the girl dies almost instantly. There are reasons for this sad break in history. Dexter had little chance of coping with Emma’s desire to immerse herself in a partner, unite with him, and gain constant love approval from him. Associations between avoidance and anxious attachments are very common, but they are also the most difficult and exhausting. From the outside, it looks like a catch game. An anxious partner becomes very uncomfortable with the disconnection and isolation of a partner with an avoidant attachment type, and this becomes infuriated by the obsession, which is perceived as an attack on personal boundaries and forcing further separation. Often such relationships end in separation and mutual reproaches. That’s what the end of the movie is about. The love story is at its best, cut short before the characters stumble over their relationship needs.

Irregular type of attachment (“Three meters above the sky”)

There aren’t many people with an irregular attachment type – only three to five percent. As a rule, this type of attachment is characteristic of those who suffered from childhood physical or moral abuse, for example, when brought up by a narcissistic parent. Faced with the fact that their closest ones can be offended in this way, representatives of this type of attachment experience a strong internal conflict – they want love and emotional closeness at the same time, but at the same time are very afraid of facing rejection, depreciation. In a relationship, the disorganized attachment type exhibits the characteristics of both the anxious type – excessive control, jealousy, and the avoidant type – with withdrawal, fear of disclosure.

Hache, the protagonist of the movie “Three Meters Above the Sky”, is an attractive bad boy in a motorcycle leather jacket who gets his adrenaline rush from races, show-off competitions, and parties with the same crazy friends. Through the prism of his girlfriend Babi’s loving gaze, this character gives us a strong, brave, sense of freedom.

In reality, we see Hache manipulate a naive girl, often humiliating her, violating personal boundaries up to physical violence. While a man may not be very inclined to talk about what’s in his soul, it’s important to be loved and accepted for who he is. People with this type of commitment live by the ‘I’m good – you’re bad’ principle. They see everyone around them as a threat. Throughout the story, Hache is very aggressive, overly defensive, getting into fights for any careless word directed at her. He can’t distinguish his negative behavior either, creating too much trouble, saying to Babi: “Many people have already suffered because of you today.” Accused of being involved in the death of a friend Hache tricked him into competing, the young man explodes, completely loses control, and punches his girlfriend. It is very difficult to establish a long and reliable relationship with an erratic attachment type. Few people can withstand rejection and constant accusations of imperfection along with the demand for unconditional love.

Secure Connection Type (“Intern”)

It was more difficult to find a character with a safe attachment type to parse. Modern pop culture is such that they are more willing to make films about emotional pain, suffering in relationships, the search for a way out of a violent conflict. A person with the secure attachment type is determined, calm, and perceptive even when faced with problems. Such a character does not envy, does not harass, does not dramatize, does not run from one extreme to another, does not get hurt by withdrawal and neglect. These people believe in relationships and most importantly they want to work to strengthen them. Communication with others does not frighten them, does not bother them. They are ready for the new and easily adapt to changes in the situation.

The hero of “Intern” Ben is a vivid example of this attitude to life. The plot of the movie is about a 70-year-old man who comes to work as an intern in a modern online fashion store. Ben easily accepts the youth of his colleagues and is ready to learn from them. And at the same time, he becomes a support, an example and a wise mentor for them.

Jules, the owner of the company, whose personal life is in total turmoil, is initially skeptical of this renewal of his team. But people with a reliable type of commitment can easily integrate into the team and align it with their presence. “The truth is, you somehow affect me in a positive way. With you I’ve calmed down and concentrated more. Jules says to Ben in one of the episodes, “It’s good for me.” Ben is always ready to help. And that’s also one of the key traits of a trustworthy type. People with this type of attachment see the best in a person. The core belief of the secure attachment type is: “I am great and you are awesome. Together we can create something absolutely beautiful!”