Spending a Christmas without family tensions is possible!

Article originally published in December 2019

Perhaps you are, like me, lulled by the nostalgia of an ideal and magical Christmas, directly inherited from pop culture. But in reality, Christmas is not always this white dream, where everyone gets along wonderfully and has a calm discussion in front of the fireplace.

The holidays often bring family tensions, and I tried to understand why.

The pressure of the ideal Christmas

I think the first point to keep in mind is that we often put a lot (too much) pressure on Christmas, and the higher the expectations, the higher the risk of being disappointed or stressed. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed or disappointed, I get a little more nervous than usual. And a harmless remark that I would have let slip in normal times can make me a little aggressive.

In an article entitled “Family problems around Christmas”, the sociologist Évelyne Favart highlights the imperatives traditionally associated with Christmas, the first being that it is necessary to get together as a family on this occasion, and the second that it must go well.

“With Christmas, another requirement is that families who get together try to eliminate tensions and conflicts. Explicitly, it’s about getting together physically and leaving aside any topic of conversation that could sow discord. Each of the participants is therefore required to make the best possible impression, however failures can occur that creep into this well-oiled mechanism”, explains the sociologist.

The Christmas context favors the re-emergence of tensions and conflicts, sometimes linked to tacit family affairs… Inclement weather pushes us to remain closed in often overcrowded lodgings compared to usual. Add to that kids overexcited by (future) Christmas presents, and a healthy dose of booze from the adults, and you have all the ingredients for her to explode.

Especially since Christmas often rhymes with returning to one’s parents where the rules and rhythms of life are different, and so many social obligations (chat with distant cousins, eat turkey when you don’t like it, etc.).

Mourning for the perfect parents (or children) at Christmas

Beyond the risk of indigestion, long festive meals are also an occasion – not so common – to talk for a long time with loved ones and sometimes realize that you don’t agree at all on certain current or social issues. Even realizing at some point that our parents don’t match the idea we had of them.

“End-of-year parties are sometimes an opportunity for children to realize that they don’t have the perfect parents they would like to have, and vice versa,” explains psychologist Marie Lafond. “When we are children, our parents’ behavior is normal. As we get older, we have more hindsight to realize that our parents don’t always have a very positive way of dealing with us.”

This mourning of perfect parents (or children) can be painful to realize and cause friction for a while. But the good news is that then it is possible to continue the relationship on a healthier basis by loving the other for who he really is with her strengths and weaknesses.

The “family system” and the conflicts it generates at Christmas

I recently found out in the parenting newsletter of the New York Timesthe notion of “family system”. The idea that each family member was assigned fixed roles to maintain a certain balance over time.

And even if the children grow up and become adults, the return to the family home can make them fall back into this role that no longer necessarily corresponds to the person they are today. Especially if the children have in turn created their own tribe, with a new family balance and a new role.

During the holidays, the unresolved conflicts of childhood or adolescence can resurface, with parents or between brothers and sisters.

Marie Lafond rightly reminded me that girls often assume the role of mediators in families, even at the cost of forgetting their own needs.

“The important thing is to remember to respect yourself before protecting others. Girls tend to sacrifice themselves to make everyone feel good, but this comes at the expense of their own well-being. But it’s important to be able to realize what doesn’t suit us and say it. It’s a real effort, many of us are not used to thinking and saying to ourselves: “Is this good for me?” before agreeing to please,” explains the psychologist.

Learn to communicate your limits and your needs

The risk of going out of your way to take shortcuts (yes, it’s complicated to do both at the same time…) is simply to accumulate frustration and resentment, which will probably erupt later.

Expressing your needs and limits to those close to you is not something negative, quite the contrary. And for that, going through nonviolent communication can help. (Okay, we had this article on the subject, and so did this one).

For example, if you have children of your own, you may have found that their education has become a touchy subject for you. And seeing your parents questioning your breastfeeding or how you deal with them can be hard to live with. Being able to express how you feel without being aggressive should help you feel better, even if your parents don’t necessarily have the response you expected afterward.

Typical example: ” when you suggest that I switch to the bottle because it would be easier, it pains me to hear it, because breastfeeding is close to my heart, even if it’s tiring and I need support right now “.

Some tips for managing family tensions at Christmas

In my research for this article, I’ve gathered a few more tips to help you deal with family tensions this Christmas.

As a good introvert, I think it’s extremely important to be able to create space to breathe (especially if your family stay will last several days). Take a walk or run alone, take a quiet nap or immerse yourself in a book… It’s up to you to find your formula to recharge your batteries before the next family meal.

You can also think ahead of what got stuck in previous years to try and act on the context:

• A screaming match for booze? Do not take out the bottles before 20:00 and organize a non-alcoholic aperitif.
• Quarrels between children that end in tears? It’s time to think about the activities to do outdoors with them this year.
• Lots of stress preparing meals? Instead, you can slip into the idea of ​​the easy-to-use and user-friendly raclette.
• Etc.

Finally, I advise you to think of nice activities to do with the family before or after the festive meal: board games, well-packed bike rides, pastry workshops, visits to the Charentaise museum (yes, well, maybe not…) Many opportunity to have fun together without fighting.

And if ever some family quarrel were to arise at Christmas anyway, it doesn’t matter. Focus on the positive things rather than the negative ones. There’s definitely at least ONE thing that’s interesting about this family reunion (finding your siblings who live far away, seeing the stars in your daughter’s eyes, or stuffing yourself with a tiramisu-style vegan strain).

Photo credit image of one: Modern Family Series