Our son died at birth and our world fell apart

May 14, 2019

It is a story that has no words. Because there are already no words in French to define parents who have lost a child.

So let’s try the best we can to put these words down. To tell the story of our son, his life, it was so short. To find the strength, somewhere, to get up every morning and move on. He continues to live. Why we must continue.

I had a magnificent pregnancy, nine months of happiness, sometimes marked by small anxieties like all women during their first pregnancy. (“Doctor Google, sorry if I disturb you so late but do you think we can eat mozzarella when pregnant?” And by the way, what is the best sleeping position? “)

The wonder of hearing his first small strokes. Relief after three months “ fateful “, those first twelve weeks we have heard so much about. Unlimited joy after each ultrasound, where all the lights are green. After 24 weeks, we benefit more and more. Then comes the start of maternity leave. The last straight line! Sign up for the maternity ward, prepare the room, pick up the stroller a few days before the expected date of delivery …

Our baby’s heart was barely beating

On November 14, 2018, 4 days after the legislature, our world collapsed. Going to the clinic for a check-up, the midwives saw that our baby’s heart, our first baby, was barely beating. ” Almost “. In seven minutes I was on the operating table, asleep for an emergency caesarean section. They tried to resuscitate our son, but it was too late.

Victor, our little sun of 3.9 kg, with a round face and a well-designed mouth, had already left us a few hours before.

The hours that followed … words fail me. All I can say is that in the haze of total shock, I remember faces. I saw all of humanity at my door. All the benevolence, all the generosity, all the love concentrated in the few square meters of my hospital room. Cradled in the arms of my lover, Victor’s father. Surrounded by my parents, my brothers and sisters, my in-laws, our friends … all present to support us, to try to bear some of our pain.

What can I say when the worst happened. What to answer to friends who ask ” How are you ? “, ” What have you done today ? “. What to say to the lady who looks at your little tummy after giving birth with a sweet smile? What to say to the young mother with her baby in her arms who does not understand why you are crying next to her on the bus?

Perinatal bereavement and coexistence with pain

And then, despite everything, the days pass. Without our wanting it, the weeks pass and take us away momentarily from this date. And we realize that we can live with pain. It can accompany us day and night, second after second, it leaves room for other things.

Sometimes, after a little yoga session, a soothing calm. Sipping a glass of Gascogne, a small pleasure of taste. I’ve never liked the February sun on my skin, for example, so much. Horrible pains, little joys of everyday life: all the emotions, which you never thought you would feel, intertwine, intertwine, blend like the colors of a watercolor …

Victor’s place was hard to find. Feeling so empty, returning from motherhood … It’s everywhere, the mourning mothers told me then. At first I did not understand this sentence. Where ?

So I started looking for it in nature, and I found it small V. that she sends me every day. Branches of trees in winter. The shadows of the buildings and the traces on the ground, left there by chance. Now I feel it more and more in my heart and I embrace that moment. This is the gesture we all do, orphan mothers: we cross our arms against our hearts, as if we were hugging our invisible baby … Finding signs, performing gestures and rituals, all this becomes our daily life, when nothing can be explained .

Sudden stillbirth and no explanation

Because there was no explanation, despite all the analysis. Sudden death in utero. An extremely low statistic in 2018 in Europe. I live in Germany and this percentage is 0.24% for births here. This small number broke our hearts even more. To be part of that little statistic … we’ve never heard of. We have been bathed in water for 9 months with the risk of toxoplasmosis or listeria, beware of cats and raw cheeses… Why have we never heard of the possibility of losing our baby when he was about to be born?

As far as I know, no research is underway in France, nor in Germany, on stillbirth. Much progress has been made in the last 20 years in defining and limiting risk factors for sudden infant death syndrome. Stillbirths are 10 times more frequent and there is no trace of studies or mobilization campaigns to reduce these “figures”, behind which there is an immense tragedy.

This is my way of celebrating Victor and being involved in making a difference. So I do research, I ask questions, I make appointments with specialists, I look at what is happening in other countries, for example in Great Britain, where the topic is much more current and where many associations are mobilizing for the research and prevention of such births. .

Finding explanations, I know, won’t pay me back, my son. But it could help expectant mothers. It allows me to celebrate Victor, every day, and bring him to life. And then say his name, talk about him, remind myself of the sweet moments of pregnancy, and keep breathing, a little more every day. To make Victor exist, our first, our sun, our moon, our sail, our engine, our oar. Daily. All the time.