My best friend is accused of sexual assault and is fucking me

Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice dressed in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to save a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I have known my best friend since childhood, he has always been respectful. I’ve never seen him make an inappropriate gesture towards anyone. With girls he is always legitimate.

Recently, a mutual friend accused him of making inappropriate and insistent gestures. As a girl I have already been a victim of this type of behavior and I cannot let it go. But I find it hard to believe my friend could be that kind of guy.

I want to believe the girl, but my friend assures me that he did nothing but flirt with her in a club while he was drunk and she was bragging, because she was also drunk. If my friend is wrong, I’m okay to distance myself, but I don’t want to fight with my best friend and my other friends who I adore, who stand up for him and are mad at the girl, for things they don’t He didn’t have place, only on principle.

Help, I want to be an ally, but I don’t want to lose my friends!

Agate

Daronne’s answer

My little apple vodka,

Aaah the word “mess”. A little word that evokes an overly drunk evening, an consented slap exchanged drunk when we are already in an exclusive couple, a compulsive purchase on a fast fashion site when the bank account is already a little gruff, a nice slice of fun a little ‘ crazy; and also rape or sexual assault.

This term allows us to minimize and deal with a rather disturbing reality. I have no idea what happened that night, I’m so old that in my day the clubs were still called discos. And frankly, given what you seem to be doing in there, thanks, but no thanks.

What I know, because that, on the other hand, hasn’t changed, is that even the nicest, the kindest, the sweetest of all, is capable of attacking. And the worst part is that he often doesn’t even notice. Because the guys that everyone finds cute, nice, sweet, tend to adopt this view of themselves. And it is very practical to believe that you are safe from any bad behavior, it allows you to continue to do the dirt in peace, convinced that you will be saved forever from predatory behavior.

Ambivalence and doubt, best allies of the attackers

True, it’s not easy when a girl is attacked by a friend. It’s a mess and, what’s more, everyone takes sides with the friend, if you don’t follow the movement, you quickly find yourself marginalized. And it hurts to be rejected for stories that don’t even concern us, and aren’t even that clear. So, suddenly, we tend to see this type of event as a simple separation between two people in disagreement. This is convenient.

Despite the relative liberation of speech, it is still very difficult to accept that sexual assaults are not perpetrated solely by psychopathic strangers, in parking lots on full moon nights. The good friend who insists heavily until his friend accepts a gift is not a fun game of seduction, it is sexual assault.

The hunk you dance with and fondle your ass despite your embarrassed laugh is not direct flirting, it’s sexual assault. The friendly, good-natured colleague who sends you ambiguous messages on work chat is not an outgoing talker, he is a sex offender. I assure you, it is easier to give these assaults other names than to face the dire consequences we know are reserved for girls who open their mouths.

Not all men? Unfortunately yes, all men!

If the Internet likes to wear the #Notallmen as a standard, the fact today is that if, probably, #allmen. Someone has to say it and I like it, getting my feet wet. No, not all boys violently throw themselves on a helpless stranger to rape her. But I won’t be carried away by the idea that everything cismecs they engaged in predatory behavior at some point in their life.

Harvey Weinstein’s resume need not be part of the problem. This time when they forced feeding their girlfriend to have sex when she really didn’t want to, this time when they insisted heavily on a girl in a club, this time they slept with a friend who was too drunk to consent really, that other times they have commented aloud the physique of a stranger on the street, sorry guys, but it is also assault and sometimes rape.

The problem is that these behaviors are still considered so normal that most kids don’t even realize the toxicity of their actions. Anyway it’s okay for them. This allows them to continue to operate with impunity, hidden under the label of “good guy”.

The cliché of the bad liar who talks nonsense to get attention is harsh, but the numbers speak for themselves, women don’t lie. Lying would also be of no interest as at the moment a victim of sexual assault takes it all in the face and hardly ever gets compensation. You should be a masochist to simmer. Statistically it is therefore very likely that your girlfriend was attacked by your friend.

What behavior to adopt?

If he wanted to question himself, your friend could consider this aggression as the starting point for a personal and systemic reflection on his behavior. Not just to clear her conscience and be able to brag about being a feminist (and many more girls), but because she REALLY wants to behave decently.

Personally, I would never criticize you for not daring to open your mouth or burden the aggressor friend, since the person responsible for this attack is not you, it is him. It’s not you I want to hold accountable, that’s all it takes.

But if you are not responsible, it is not even the girl. You need to know this before you turn your back on it for the sake of comfort. Is it worth being in a group that condemns the attacked and protects an attacker? I don’t think so, but I repeat, I know how painful it is to leave your band with the risk of finding yourself alone. That said, I believe there are cliques of deconstructed people who support the victims and put the guilty in their place.

I leave you, I have to go to my feminist book club,

bisetta,

Your daronne

Photo credit image of one: Minerva Studio