5 types of people you never want to see in the pool again

On my way home last Saturday, I found myself face to face with a very pale nutria in full descent. So, was it the sign of the swimming goggles on her face or the fact that my door is in front of a mirror, I realized that this charming rodent was me.

I got over this disappointment easily, because I was already pissed (from Latin angry). Me, ugly and wet, I had been beaten for sixty minutes on my way to the municipal swimming pool. My wet ugliness was just a detail.

Public places sometimes have a huge drawback. People who aren’t me hang out with them. It is painful. The pools are no exception. So it was in my apartment where the Pullitzers act like trinkets and with my sad partner reflection that I realized that it was up to me, half man, half sea bream, to restore justice.

So these are the 5 things that (me) no longer want to suffer in the pool.

1. People who lose their bandages

Did you have your foot cut off with an ax (or did an ice skate tear your panard, each on his own Sunday)? Have you stuck your toe in the corner of the table? Do you have more blisters on your ankle than needed for the Futuroscope sound and light show? Keep your cowboy boots (and therefore your bandages) and stay out of the pool.

The long fall of your blindfold to the bottom of the pool makes no one dream. When Alain Bernard and I run at full speed through the long corridors, we sometimes drink the cup (especially him). I don’t want your juice in my chlorine glass, please. And I can assure you without getting too wet (laughs) that neither does he.

2. People standing in the middle of the lines

What ? Aren’t you here for the show? But what would he say Filippo Luca (my platinum inspiration, I have to admit)?

All is forgiven. And since the world is well done (except the United States), there are several corridors! And when the planets truly align, humanity ranks by speed. Chantal Chandail can let herself go from side to side to the right of the pool and Toxic Patrick can release her best butterfly on the far left.

But what is a good story without its disturbing element? An element that sometimes takes the form of Manu Mascu, the man who struggles to share public space even in the water, Isabeau Chaos, always against the tide or even this aristocrat who beats, notarial deed in hand, as if the basin were his.

3. The Jean-Michel Pervs

She has a swimsuit with parsley poking out of her bag, three hair combed back and a serious modesty problem. Jean-Michel Perv is from all areas. His favorite moment? The shower.

And the worst is that Jean-Michel can parade for Balenciaga. The problem remains the same. When you walk around in a bathing suit, the walls have eyes.

In the pool, more than anywhere else, a glance (at best) is enough to transform a simple swim into an extremely humiliating sequence. So Jean-Michel’s unwanted scanner is no.

4. People who swim in their underwear

There, like this, it seems twisted. But I’m a field reporter. Everything I tell you is true. Tested and deprecated.

What was my surprise when I came across a little man in my alley with a semblance of a clear plastic bag tied around his waist, a hidden revelation that is in no way inferior to Mugler’s finest pieces. And yes, white underpants don’t stand up to the water test well. But René the intrepid (the name was changed for obvious reasons) doesn’t care. Go girl.

Attention, nuance of size. René l’trépide and Jean-Michel Perv are not necessarily the same person. If René has saved on a shirt, he can do it without looking out of place for the others.

5. The Catherine and Liliane chatting at the end

We knew them in the office female dog on mere mortals. Discover them in your pool, swimming cap strongly screwed on the skull (or worn looser, like a sexy 90s skateboarder)!

Every public place is a place for socializing (revolutionary, pioneering, underwater). We just don’t choose swimming at all. Once your head is underwater, you can spare yourself the opinion of your colleague Fabrice on the weather or the monetary policy of the Czech Republic.

If you absolutely have to discuss the price of melon, good for you, but let us, great sportsmen with protruding muscles, ride the waves, perform the most enchanting somersaults before setting off again at a perfect walking pace (Paris 2024 or nothing).

There are still many evils that my protruding pen could expose. The disproportionately presentable people when I have the aesthetic capital of an oyster at low tide, the teenagers who are half my age and double my lung capacity, the children who piss in the water …

Truly, do whatever you want, from the wildest back to that enigmatic Indian shot that you have the secret of. But in the pool as elsewhere, remember that you are not the only fish in the water.

Photo credit image of one: Stranger Things / Netflix