Once a week, Charlotte answers anonymous questions from our readers and debunks clichés about our love lives.
A question ? Write to us at [email protected] with subject “Dear Charlotte”
“Dear Carlotta,
I need help: I’ve had several opportunities to have an intimate relationship with a woman for the first time, but I’m stuck. I really want to, but as soon as things go a little too far, my fear immediately stops me. That of doing something wrong, of not knowing how to do it, of being ridiculous… For me, who have always only slept with boys, this new adventure terrifies me. How can we overcome this fear and resolve the situation? »
When our relationships escape written scenarios
Dear stranger,
Have you ever heard of it romantic and sexual scripts ? These heteronormative models (obviously) well rooted in our unconscious that concern our romantic and sexual life. Well, imagine that they are so familiar to us that they are part of us: we reproduce them without even realizing it. Of course, they don’t magically appear in our heads. They are transmitted to us throughout our lives through films, TV series, books, pop culture… Where (almost) only heterosexual relationships and associated standardized behaviors such as flirting, flirting gestures, affection, sex are represented and so on.
They are scripted scenarios, we hate them, but there is a small part of us that is addicted to them because they make us feel comfortable and safe. They represent our comfort zone, where relationships that escape these norms destabilize us and make us vulnerable.
Oh, and I almost forgot the main thing: lesbian relationships are so poorly visible and represented'it can be difficult for some people to understand them calmlybecause we don't have really reassuring models.
Considering all this, don't worry: your fear is completely normal and you will be able to overcome it, we believe in you! The first step, understand. The second, action.
Proceed step by step
A little basic advice from a friend, but still, less is better : Talk about your fear to the partner you are about to have sex with. Sex isn't something to be ashamed of: No matter what you've done or haven't done, if you feel safe, talking about it with her will probably help defuse that fear a little and lower the pressure again. Even better if you can find one way to unlock your fear in the moment. Alone we go faster, as a couple we go further (rocket emoji). And never forget: never force yourself and exceed your limits for anyone. Otherwise guaranteed trauma.
Other practical tips that I think might be a good idea: do it step by step, gently, without putting pressure on yourself. I mean, don't be in a perspective of “It's time to go, I'm going to dive headfirst from the 75th floor”, but rather to see this moment as a moment of fluid sharing, in continuity with the present moment. And give yourself the choice to stop when things become unpleasant for you. For example, instead of preparing to act and seeing it as an end in itself, start by undressing, touching yourself, and seeing how you feel. If it goes well we continue, if you're scared we stop. Over time you will see that there is no real danger and you will see your fear fade away little by little. In any case, that's all I wish for you.
A question ? Write to us at, [email protected], with subject “Dear Charlotte”!
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Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
