I grew up in a large, very Catholic family, where it was customary for at least one in three children to become religious. Being rebellious in nature, a part of me probably also wanted to please my mother by opting for this path. I tried to silence this little voice throughout my adolescence by getting married, but it caught up with me. But I had already fallen in love, except that when the boy tried to kiss me, I ran away, still traumatized by the touch I suffered at the age of six.
“Imprisoned” and under influence
At 22 I interrupted my medical studies and forced myself to enter a monastery. Isolated 800 km from home, my family comes to visit me in the visiting room, through a gate. We sleep in cells. An entire prison vocabulary. As for my superior, she is manipulative and paranoid. My vulnerability makes me the perfect prey to fall under religious influence. At first I cried every day. Instead of asking me to go back, finish my studies and let me know, she replied:
“You know, the harder it is, the more souls you save, and the more beautiful the sacrifice.”
I remain. Especially since, when I was eight years old, I suffered from early childhood depression, which took away all reason for living, I took refuge in what the catechism said, namely that life serves to achieve hypothetical happiness in heaven , therefore after death.
Masturbation and guilt
The touch I was subjected to as a child had the immediate consequence of awakening a pleasure that I then reproduced every day of my life. I masturbate without saying a word about it. At first, in the monastery, I held back out of guilt, then I started again. Masturbation constitutes a compensation for my discomfort… which I later accuse myself of in the confessional.
Awareness and liberation
At sixty I experienced the resignation of my superior – my guru – like a tsunami. Devastated by his departure, I become exhausted and go to rest in a nearby abbey. One morning, I’m walking outside and suddenly life comes back to me. I feel the sun, I hear the birds singing, I see the snow shining. Back at the monastery, as soon as my mental disk recovers, I go out for a breath of fresh air.
The second trigger was a meeting I organized that I was banned from attending. I will rest again. A month this time. Which will become a year. In fact they explain to me that I have not recovered and cannot return to the monastery. I, being formatted, don’t ask myself how I’m doing, I’ve never learned to listen to myself. Furthermore, five years earlier, no longer knowing why I was there, I had spoken to my superior who reproached me for still listening to myself, that Christ had not been listened to. I also owe my liberation to the kindness of an abbot who one day told me:
“Catherine, how about we go back there?” »
I realize this makes me very anxious, as if I were going back to prison. He explains to me that God wants my happiness and that religious life is perhaps no longer my path. I then ask to live in the world, to work until I feel ready to be released from my vows. I’m finally free.
First sexual experience and dating app
The world may have changed a lot, but I adapt very quickly. And my cousins help me a lot. One of them introduced me to a friend of hers with whom I experienced my first romantic and sexual adventure at the age of 65. I also like couples vacations and little touches. Our story ends after nine months, but this experience makes me grow, discover my femininity. “If you want to meet a man, register on a dating site, he won’t fall from the sky”, a friend points out to me. Here’s how I match Yves. He likes music and he plays bridge, good point, I want to learn. Let’s move on to WhatsApp. I told him right away that I had been a good sister.
Young spring bride at 70 years old
We fell in love and I immediately moved in with him. “It’s the great invasion”, he jokes when he sees me arrive with my little bundle. At the same time, she asks me to marry him to protect me in case she leaves before me. I don’t care if I’m not married, all my taboos have been eliminated, I’ve undergone my metamorphosis. Instead I am moved by her delicacy and we will get married in January 2022. I am 70 years old. Everything happened quickly, but at our age we no longer waste time.
The discovery of my femininity
When I left the convent, taking care of my appearance was another revolution. I realize that I like to be flirtatious. One day I entered Marionnaud’s house and asked ” black “ that we put on our eyelashes and that I find nice on others too. I go out with eyeliner and mascara. Little by little, I dare to put on lipstick, get my nails done red, go to the hairdresser and find the hairstyle that suits me. Little pleasures I didn’t know about: I love them!
No regrets
My destiny was to have this life path. I don’t regret anything, what I experienced created in me such a thirst for life that now I enjoy and marvel at everything. Even though there have been many shadows in my life, I refuse to let them invade my light. We all have pitfalls, some have failed to have children, the career they wanted, to find love. My advice: learn to listen to your desires and don’t be afraid to trust life.
*Catherine Draveil is the author of Metamorphosis – life calls me (ed. Favre)
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Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
