“ Knowing yourself as queer outside of young people, consumerism and parties is still complicated. I miss thinking about identity and long-term love “, tells to miss Alex on being single. At the dawn of her forties, this single lesbian recalls how, during her thirties, she had a series of intimate relationships, with a quick start, before exploding and starting again.
- Name: Alex.
- Age: 39 years old.
- Place of living: Parisian suburbs.
- Sexual and/or romantic orientation: lesbian.
How long have you been single?
For 6 months, from a person I had already dated 4-5 months ago.
How would you describe your single life?
Calm and happily selfish, but solitary in the daily practices of life.
Does being single impact your friendship or family life?
The problem is always the fear of re-entering the lives of friends who are sometimes involuntarily put aside, once available because they are single. There is a way to relate as an adult, I think, that doesn’t involve melting into an ostrich and being self-sufficient, which used to be my lesbian life.
What was your relationship history and how has your relationship with a couple or being single changed today?
All through my thirties I dated girls who I tried to move in with within three weeks (very gay), with whom I completely merged, to the point of having only one very large wardrobe of black clothes for two, sharing beauty products, reading the same books, playing sports together, and then exploding and starting again.
“I would like to say that being queer means knowing yourself as a subject and not as an object, but the search for a gaze that loves, validates, desires, also shapes your vision of yourself. »
— Alex, 39-year-old single lesbian.
Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?
Gay OR Straight [hétéro, ndlr]there is part of the gauze internalized and sought after lover that we lose. Who am I looking good for? What are the expectations of this idealized Other? Will the next one like it the same? The “me” sometimes seems to falter if the mirrored gaze is no longer there. I would like to say that being queer means knowing yourself as a subject and not as an object, but the search for a gaze that loves, validates, desires, also shapes your gaze on yourself.
Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?
Yes, like sleeping how I want: in pajamas with socks, eye mask, earplugs, two blankets, three pillows, handkerchiefs, labellum, ventolin and Strepsils [pastilles pour la gorge, ndlr] at your fingertips all night. Sexy, isn’t it? I’m slowly realizing everything I was unconsciously monitoring even as a couple.
Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?
The boom for two! Dinners for two at home, popcorn home cinema, many mini-at your place absurd even in Castorama which is my passion. Share little joys, sketches and strange vegetables, for example.
Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?
I would say just in terms of road safety, taxis, public transport.
Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?
It’s a paradox, because I visit OkCupid regularly [application de rencontre préférée des personnes du côté gauche du spectre politique, ndlr], but I realize that two people cannot “decide” to have a complicit and exciting interaction with someone who meets our criteria and tastes. So that’s still really the big mystery.
Do you regularly chat with people on dating apps? Do you have regular meetings?
There, I’m depressed about dating apps, but I hope to meet many sorority souls in the sticky Parisian evenings of May.
How would you describe your relationship with dating?
I’m sober and therefore I have zero relaxation, I’m tense, nervous, I wear makeup, tie myself up and let my hair down as if the difference was right there (laughs). But in reality I think that truly good understandings are fluid and easy and that they are above all the start of a good conversation.
How long does it take on average in your weeks to search for a partner?
Hmm… It’s not conscious, but about 10% in the back of my mind when I scroll and see an LGBT flag, a thumb ring or even a cat named Simone (laughs).
Do you feel any pressure to “actively” look for a romantic partner?
Clearly, at 39, I wonder what I should “do” with myself, with my life. On the other hand, 40 years of being single is more exactly the same thing. What scares me is thisbecause, among other things, I have very few references to older queer people from the AIDS years. Knowing yourself as queer outside of young people, consumerism and parties is still complicated. I miss thinking about identity and long-term love.
Does being single in love impact your sex life?
I only invest in more expensive sex toys (laughs).
Are you actively looking to meet one or more sexual partners (one-off or regular)?
No, I don’t like sex at all, afterwards I feel lonely and sad, really.
“I wanted to build a relationship so much that at thirty I disguised myself, almost to prove to myself that I had access to this type of life, security and commitment”
— Alex, 39-year-old single lesbian.
Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?
I felt this a lot as I hit my 30s. Consequently I disguised myself too much, almost as if to prove to myself that I too had access to this type of life, of security, of “commitment”. But today I don’t know what it means anymore.
Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?
A little about purchasing food.
Do you have a dating budget?
So, clearly, it’s a limited budget. But being single and unemployed, I mostly eat eggs and porridge at home (laughs).
What are your plans for the future? Does being single impact these desires and projections?
Holidays, travel, medium-term decisions, stay in Paris…
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Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
