Laura, 37 years old: “Sometimes I regret having become a feminist”

• First name : Laura
• Age : 37 years old
• Occupation: Head office
• Place of living: Suburbs of Paris

How would you describe your relationship with feminism?

Complicated. I love that I became a feminist, but sometimes I regret it too. The one I call mine “feminist revolution” it opened my eyes to so many areas and transformed me profoundly. However, I’m not sure I’m happier. It is said “Blessed are the ignorant”, I definitely think this applies to me. I still have this immense joy of finally realizing myself as a woman. I think in a few years I will say that all this was positive. But, for now, I’m still in the process of reinventing myself and sometimes that’s difficult.

Did you grow up in a feminist environment?

For nothing ! My father doesn’t understand at all, my mother tries to follow him but his old reflexes regularly resurface. Sometimes I feel a little lonely, but that’s okay.

The exception is my sister. She is younger, almost from another generation, when you see how she has evolved compared to me. Observing her reactions to men, her words, the place she allowed herself to occupy in her scenario of her life, I realized that I was missing something. It was feminism. But I didn’t know it yet. One day, at the table, in front of the whole family and in a rather virulent way, she said: “Today, with all the accounts that exist and all the communication, we no longer have the right not to know”. I said to myself “But why don’t I know? What am I missing? » and I searched for Instagram accounts to educate myself on the topic. I came across @orgas_et_moi, @madmoizelle and other accounts of this type which opened my eyes little by little. For me it was the easy path.

Then I read Mona Chollet’s books, many articles found on the internet, and above all I changed those around me. By changing my environment, I have changed the influences of my daily life and this is very good for me.

When did you first become a feminist?

It all started with the discovery of yoga around the age of 27. There I found a philosophy of life, better physical, emotional and mental hygiene. I met women of all ages and backgrounds. They taught me to question myself, to question the patterns I was stuck in.

Then I had a little breakdown and collapsed. Without knowing why, I felt that my daily life was no longer in tune with my deepest being. And to be honest it never was. I left my job and my partner, I became interested in personal development, non-violent communication and education (I was a young mother). I went to therapy, and it was therefore following this entire path and this long search/discovery of myself, around the age of 33, that I discovered feminism.

How does feminism permeate your life today?

It intervenes at multiple levels. I have already changed my circle of friends: I have not kept in my life anyone who bothers my commitment. It’s difficult, because I’m starting from scratch at a time when people are in their routines and struggling to integrate new people into their daily lives. But I’m very independent, so phases of solitude are good for me. I have learned to appreciate them. Better alone than in bad company! My new circle of friends is feminist, even queer, and I love discussing these kinds of questions because I learn a lot from them.

I also know how to be discreet in my beliefs to convey them in a thoughtful way to the remaining people around me who need them. Today I have become a bit of a point of reference for this type of question in the contacts I have kept from my old life, it makes me laugh! But I’m happy to help my friends in their development. I would have preferred to be surrounded rather than do everything alone. So when people come to me with questions, I try to answer them without judgment.

I also reconnected completely by chance with an old friend who took the same path as me, but with a small advantage. She participates in mine “feminist education”we discuss many topics.

Professionally, I retrained following burnout. I’ve had the opportunity to reinvent myself, and that’s wonderful too. Today I feel more respected, I earn a little better, I continue to dream of starting a business, but I do it with more seriousness and involvement. I believe in myself, finally. I no longer rely on men to push me and help me (which they never do anyway!), I don’t need them. I feel like I’ve finally found the path in which I will flourish, and even though it has nothing to do with feminism, I think my attitude is affected by this new way of thinking. It influences how my professional circle interacts with me.

At a family level it is much more complicated. I was raised to find a husband who would take care of me and have lots of children. I might as well tell you that when I left my son’s father, who earns quite well, it was a disaster… Even though no one could control it! The height. I received no emotional support, my father constantly questioned my decision, to the point of making me feel like nothing. My mother’s only support boils down to this sentence: “Laura, with her nice ass, will find someone to take care of her anyway” (true and quoted verbatim).

But I held on, I couldn’t go back to this man who “verbally beat” me (that’s the best way I could find to describe his attitude towards me, I think it says a lot) and only stopped me from growing up, of evolving. He had put out all my light.

Today my family sees that I can do it on my own, they support me in my studies, in my retraining and also financially, for example in purchasing my apartment. But with them it’s always complicated, I have the image of the poor guy who needs help, and I still need to reaffirm myself as an individual. For example, my father asked me recently: “And what do you think about it? » asking my current lover’s opinion on a mechanical subject that my lover does not master at all, unlike me! So I distance myself. You can change friends, but not parents…

Have you let go of certain habits, undone certain beliefs, or set new boundaries?

Yes, the changes were made along with my feminist awareness. I couldn’t say who created what. Thanks to feminism I have become aware of many male attitudes that today irritate me, make me feel small or less important. And I swore to myself never to find myself in a situation like that again. Unfortunately, I am conditioned to be attracted to strong and powerful men, both physically and financially. And these types of men, at least in my generation, are very often fed patriarchy. They have no real interest in evolving on this point.

Today, even though my lover is a lovely and very attentive man, he has reflexes and attitudes that don’t suit me. I made a point of explaining to him how I want people to communicate, how certain attitudes influence me. And, despite so much goodwill, it is so ingrained in him that I feel there will be no transformation on his part. I’m tired of all this and I honestly don’t want to educate him about feminism. Mainly because it’s not a topic that interests him, he does it more to please me. But I clearly see that there is no trigger on his part. All this to say that I am considering a separation, with him but with all men in general. I am lucky enough to be bisexual and for several months I have been dreaming of a relationship with a woman.

I don’t think I can free myself from my conditioning towards men, I remain attracted to evil patriarchs, it’s bad, but that’s what excites me. So we might as well change sides definitively and start from a blank page, towards a world that will never have been corrupted by preconceived ideas since no one has ever told me about it. I want to start from scratch on the love front too. (Thanks for reading “Spoiler alert, you’re a lesbian” !)

I also put my finger on the conditioning to which I had responded since early childhood, without ever having been aware of it. Today I dress in a still feminine, but less suggestive way. I’m less sexy and strangely feel much more attractive. My aura has changed, I have found my light again.

I also set more limits in my daily life. With men but also with the world in general. I’m stronger. I also stopped wearing makeup. Some let their hair grow, it was very difficult for me to go out without mascara!

Do you feel like you’ve reached the end of your feminist awakening?

No, we evolve throughout our lives. Feminism itself is constantly evolving, so I try to keep up with the flow.

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