Agathe, 21 years old: “I experience every encounter as a danger”

• Name or nickname : Agata

• Age : 21 years

• Place of life : Paris and Geneva

• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : Bisexual

How long have you been single?

I am single for just over 6 months, after a fairly short exclusive relationship, which lasted about ten months. Before that, I hadn’t been in a “serious” relationship for several years.

My first long relationship dates back to my high school years. I stayed with the same boy for about two years, it was also with him that I had my first sexual relations. Our relationship was quite balanced but I felt trapped inside it, and sometimes used as a trophy by my lover in front of his friends, in a way that wasn’t always very subtle or consenting. I finally left him.

After that, I had a period of intense fun, especially thanks to dating apps. I had dates and one night stands. I wondered about exclusivity, about polyamory, I wanted to experiment and reassure myself about my desirability. It led me to do a lot of stupid things, including dating men much older than me, and today, looking back, I realize how problematic it was.

Then, after my bisexual awakening, I fell in love with a friend. It didn’t go well, our relationship was very short and one-sided, I felt used and betrayed, which led to a very painful romantic and amicable breakup that I still struggle to recover from today.

I started with the dates again, this time at a lighter pace and avoiding excessive age differences. Above all, I met guys, all different, who really helped me to develop my sexuality more, to take more time, to be more honest and more attentive.

Which brings me to my latest relationship, again with a guy I met on Tinder. The breakup was very difficult, on the one hand because it was very sudden and inexplicable, and on the other because I was going through a period of mental and physical fragility, it was the last straw that took me to the bottom of the hole. Since then, I have slowly recovered and learned to love myself again, without validation from anyone else. I take the time to zoom out a little and realize that with each breakup I evolve a little and always learn a little more about what I need in a romantic relationship.

And it feels really good, I have the impression of knowing myself a little more each time, of being more honest with myself, more kind with my emotions and feelings.

How would you describe your single life?

My celibacy was initially difficult (I was dumped, that’s the game…). But today, I’m dealing with the situation quite well, and I decided to make a choice (Currently). After my last breakup, when all my self-worth was thrown into the mixer, I decided to make my single life a time where I learned to love myself and trust myself again. This is an opportunity to find my balance again. I was afraid that, returning to appointments, All my self-worth rests only in the eyes of others.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

Not exactly. I’m part of a very close-knit group of friends, our respective relationships don’t influence our relationships much. And viceversa. As for my family, we don’t really discuss our love lives.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

The first few months after a breakup are always very hard. I tend to question my entire existencemy worth, my physique… In short, it really burns.

I too often find myself, once the sadness has passed, closing myself up like an oyster, telling myself that feelings are useless, flagellating myself by thinking that I am naive, that I get attached too quickly, too strongly… In short, I reject all my emotions , as if they made me forget the pain. Even if we know it, it is a completely ineffective technique, as well as disconnecting us from what we feel.

But once the pain passescelibacy in itself is not particularly difficult to live with, on the contrary. It’s time to find myself, take stock of what I want, the mistakes I no longer want to make, the things I want to prioritize.

Does being single allow you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Not particularly. However, the absence of a romantic relationship allows me to prioritize other types of relationships, friendly, family, professional… It’s one less task on the calendar.

Conversely, does being single stop you from doing things you might do if you were in a relationship?

Aside from “easy” access to sex, being single doesn’t stop me from living my life or doing anything specific to my relationship.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

Living in a big city makes it easy to meet people, especially when using dating apps, the “love market” is larger, easier to access, but the pressure of meeting is also stronger.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

No, not now.

I uninstalled all the dating apps I had since my last breakup, I tended to seek reassurance through dating during difficult times. I often went there when I was bored and found myself leading discussions without really caring. She distracted me seduction was a game in which I found myself stuck despite myself.

I could have several meetings a week, but the meetings lost all their interest. I was in the consuming phase, matching up front reassured me and made me feel validated right from the start.

How would you describe your relationship with dating?

Anguish. I’m afraid of being rejected, betrayed, used. I’m afraid of becoming attached too quickly, too late, too strongly. I experience every encounter as a danger, which pushes me to wear a mask and play a role that doesn’t belong to me. I’m working on it and learning to accept my emotions, but it remains a challenge for me.

How much time per week does it take on average to search for a partner?

Very little time has passed since I stopped using apps. I’m trying to confront myself again with “real meetings”, those of everyday life, which we can have at work, on holiday, in the evening… I want to detach myself from the security that matches represent and learn to get to know each other ‘more someone again little by little, not in an hour over a coffee.

Do you feel any form of pressure to actively seek out a romantic partner?

Not particularly. I have the opportunity to evolve in a caring environment, both with family and friends. And I’m still very young, the pressure will perhaps come later.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

My libido tends to decrease when I’m single, especially since I’m not currently looking for sexual partners. But I often notice that being single, my imagination and fantasies develop. I spend more time masturbating, even if it’s not very regular.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship? If so, how do you perceive it in your daily life? Where is he from ?

More of a wish than an injunction. We see love everywhere, in the media, at the cinema, on TV, on social networks…

Sometimes I have the impression that “True love” is an experience that could change my life, that this is what I miss from having had a full and rich life. That this is the definitive relationship.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I spend more on sex toys and porn audio, but other than that I tend to save money. I pay less for the Uber return from my lover’s house, I spend less in restaurants, on condoms, on screenings…

What are your plans for the future?

I never really planned a future in love. When I imagine my future life, I see a family life, but not necessarily as a couple, more like a single mother (hurray for PMA). I won’t wait for my +1 to have kids, I think that’s an experience I’m ready to have on my ownand potentially with a love interest to accompany me through life.

I want to experience romantic love, but I don’t want to make it the center of my life. Rather an element that gravitates around, like a moon.

Do you like our articles? You’ll love our newsletters! Sign up for free on this page.