Night terror, 23: ‘I don’t throw myself at anyone other than my cat in my life’

• Name or nickname : Night Terror*, I prefer to be masculine or neutral
• Age : 23 years
• Place of life : a big city.

How long have you been single?

It’s been over a year. We have decided to end our romantic relationship because our plans and our rhythms of life are too different. We had been together for 8 months.

When my relationship history woke up, I had to step out of heteronormativity. I realized that it was possible not to be straight and that I didn’t have to pretend I had crushes on cis guys. Then I had two friendly relationships more or less ambiguous and explicit, more or less toxic. It was a rather chaotic awakening, because without representation everything had to be invented. One such relationship lasted my entire high school, we were in the same group of friends, we liked each other, we knew it, but communication was tricky. The other relationship was friendly, but also ambiguous and toxic, I feel like I was manipulated into that relationship. Thank goodness I’ve come a long way in communication now and when I look back on my high school days, I truly feel like a different person.

I was in an exclusive relationship for twice two months even when I was in high school which ended because they fell in love with a guy while we were together and clearly weren’t able to handle an open relationship. I’ve been in a relationship with someone I considered a sex friend that I’ve seen very little in my life, that I didn’t necessarily have the attraction, admiration, or loving feelings for that I had for the previous ones. It has concretely allowed me to develop the idea that romantic and sexual relationships were not necessarily connected.

Then I took a break from the relationship for a year and a half, during which I had many crushes but my studies, my therapy, then the birth took up more space. Between the two borders, I lived a summer love that allowed me to communicate around my needs, my feelings… He just didn’t necessarily respect them.

Later I had a hyper-romantic platonic relationship because it is epistolary for a few months, before my last relationship, which for me was the most involving. However, she confirmed to me that I cannot project myself into exclusive relationships, even more so if at a distance.

How would you describe your singleness?

I think it’s a bit the least of my worries. I feel like I’m doing pretty well with my singleness because I have other more important things to deal with like my mental health. Not yet having the will, nor the energy to invest in romantic-sexual relationships, I maintain explicitly ambiguous relationships which are situated in a very interesting relational unknown, because there is everything to be created and no pre-established constraints. !

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

Apart from the fact that I feel a certain loneliness that can’t be filled by someone, I don’t believe it. Sometimes I feel like not having access to a certain experience and certain experiences. I experience them through each other’s stories, which is ultimately quite emotionally comfortable.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Of course yes! I feel I have less mental load and more free time to focus on myself and take care of my health. It’s also easier to project myself knowing that it’s already very difficult for me to project! I have the impression that it allows me to maintain my friendly relations, which are essential for me.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Spontaneously, I don’t think so. I mean apart from getting married but I don’t want to!

Seriously and in hindsight, I know that one of the points that was hard for me to accept at the end of my last romantic relationship was my sex life. I have difficulty having a sex life in general. and i need to have a lot of trust, a sense of security and a real connection for something to happen. I learned a little about demisexuality and I have the impression that it corresponds to what I experience. In my life sexuality has absolutely no importance, it doesn’t occur to me and I have absolutely no desire for anyone unless there is already a connection. My sex life happens to be pretty great during my last relationship, but it seems to me that my last one is over with the relationship completely. I think maybe it’s something that being single holds me back, even though I can technically have a sex life without being in a relationship.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I think because I’m not geographically isolated. I can see my friends and meet new people pretty easily. As a queer person, in a big city, it’s easier to find people to relate tobut I’m not particularly looking for anything right now.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

It happens quite rarely, but it often happens when I feel lonely and want to talk to someone. In general, when meeting people about applications, I quickly suggest talking elsewhere, because it’s easier for me, and I know that when I’m actively seeking and feeling a certain connection, I like to meet the person quickly!

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

I think it’s a rather latent injunction in all the representations we have in movies, series… We often see the couple as the relationship to put above all others. The person you are in a relationship with must be your friend, your lover, your life partner and a thousand other things… Is hard. Later on, on a daily basis, I feel very little of this pressure, perhaps in conversations with friends because the topic of romantic relationships comes up quickly in conversation.

What are your plans for the future?

I have very few long-term plans, apart from taking care of my mental and physical health, taking care of the kitten I adopted in September, gaining independence and being able to live a balanced life between my creative and human development, and the imperatives and vagaries of life. I don’t think I’m able to project myself with anyone other than my cat in my life! I’m also in the process of setting up a theater company with my friends to do shows, so now I’m projecting with them.

Do you have an anecdote about being single to share?

Once on a date I was told I had a nice pistachio, Big up LMK!

Thanks to Night Terror* for answering our questions!

*Name has been changed.

Do you like our articles? You will love our newsletters! Sign up for free on this page.