A survivor of sexual assault, I use my suffering to walk towards resilience

On February 3, 2018, after an evening celebrating my birthday, I have experienced rape as well as acts of voyeurism with video recordingas well as content distribution.

The next day, in a state of shock, I confided in a friend. He’ll never forget the words he used, like a dagger: ” You don’t respect yourself”. This phrase has resonated with me for years and I have identified as a woman who does not respect herself and who deserves this situation.

I was also forced not to talk about that night. What had happened it had been trivialized. I was so ashamed that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Rape culture is just that: the social environment that allows itself to normalize and justify sexual violence, fueled by persistent gender inequalities and attitudes toward women.

denial and guilt

I had not been heard or acknowledged in my suffering when I needed help! Alright, I found myself locked up in guilt.

I did not file a complaint directly because I did not consider myself a victim of rape. I was so scared for videos. I felt dirty, guilty and wanted to forget at all costs.

then I entered in denial and dissociation behavior to try to soothe my ills. I quickly developed PTSD, eating disorders, and fibromyalgia.

The click and the depression

A year after the events, it was while talking to a friend that I realized the violence I had suffered. This is the first time the word rape has been associated with my story. It was a shock to me, to be honest, I don’t even know what reaction I had anymore because the trauma is altering my memory.

As a result of this, I managed to seek psychological help. It helped me out of denial. What we don’t say is that denial is comfortable. Once the door is opened, it is the beginning of a long descent into hell: withdrawal, depression, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts…

After a long obstacle course, I finally filed a complaint on March 9, 2021, 3 years after that night. It was so great for me to have taken this step.

At that moment I had no expectations, I wanted above all to report the facts. I didn’t expect an investigation to take place, as I was already prepared for the worst. When the police inspector asked me to find a lawyer, I felt heard and hope was born in me.

A year later, my complaint was rejected. Desperate from this situation of injustice, I tried to end my life.

To recover, I anonymously reported the facts on social media and it went badly. They are the subject of several complaints for slander, defamation and harassment. Summoned by the police to be heard as a suspect, I underwent a violent and guilty hearing.

Take back power over my life

With the accumulation of violence and injustice that I experience, my fears turned into anger. In order not to be consumed by this fire, I have decided to speak publicly about my story. I had this vital need to break free and regain control of my life.

On December 30, 2022, I opened an Instagram page to tell my story. Initially remaining anonymous.

But the more time went by, the more I wondered why it’s my turn to be ashamed, to hide when the real culprit is the rapist?

I got rid of my fears and that’s why 5 years after the fact, I participated in a symbolic photo shoot. That same evening, I posted a photo of myself to reveal my identity. This is how I chose to be reborn as a butterfly.

This photo session was a way for me recover my body which I have so hated and abused in recent years. How to love him after what happened? I abandoned him, he who betrayed me by not resisting the violence of the shock.

i hope one day to be totally at peace with my body shell and with myself. Healing is not linear, but the first step is to accept these ills. I accept that my body has changed, that it no longer has the same capabilities. I learn to be kinder to him, to listen to him and look at him with love and benevolence.

Survivor, not victim

With my nickname @celine_la_survivante, I sweep away the term victim in which I don’t want to be locked up. I am a survivor because I have decided to get back on top and fight for my rights.

Today I found meaning in what I experienced. It is a work of prevention and repair that I carry out by freeing my word.

through my page, I accompany victims of sexual violence on their journey of reconstruction thanks to my skills as a social worker and life coach. I raise awareness of sexual violence, mental health and denounce the institutional violence we may encounter.

My goal is to make it my main activity by offering my services in individual support, but also by proposing interventions in schools and socio-cultural places.

I’m not very comfortable in society, for me it’s a challenge, because I get out of my comfort zone speaking in front of the camera and carrying out prevention and awareness actions in the field, going to meet citizens.

I cover topics like consent, mental health, sexual assault support resources, accepting one’s ills and treating them, regaining possession of one’s body, etc.

awaken society

It’s important to talk about it so that these topics no longer remain taboo. We need to awaken society, deconstruct the ideas received to help other survivors break free and move towards resilience. So let’s talk about it as much as possible, because shame has to change places.