“I feel that being single is what defines me”

Between social pressures, dating apps and conflicting injunctions, celibacy it is often perceived as a temporary state, a problem to solve, even a danger. However, there are as many ways to experience it as there are individuals and very few places to talk about it! Every week, in our new format To separate, people of all kinds tell us about their relationship with celibacy, their questions and their responses to embarrassing remarks. For Marie, 26, being single is a given: she has never had a relationship and feels neither the desire nor the need.

• First name : Married
• Age : 26 years
• Place of life: in a big city
• Singles from: Still

How long have you been single?

I’ve been single forever. I have never been in a relationship with anyone and have never been in a romantic relationship, not even in school or during a summer romance.

I am very well! To tell the truth, I also have the impression which has become my personality trait, something that defines me. I’m not looking for a person, I’m not looking for a relationship or to live a love story at all costs. That’s why I don’t feel frustrated, I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything.

What is your relationship with being single?

Emotionally, it’s not something that works for me or stresses me out. I think I don’t even ask the question, for me it’s normal. I like to evolve as a single person. I think he already really allows me be me, define me, love me, know me. In this, celibacy is a good exercise, because everything you do, think and feel privately for yourself, you owe to no one. You don’t feel obligated to share it with anyone.

Especially since in the end, sharing your feelings, maintaining strong ties, making concessions, communicating correctly, are ties that I already experience in my circles of friends and family. It is enough for me.

“I don’t see people through the prism of the couple”

As for the couple’s image and romantic relationships, I see it sometimes as something that could be goodbut optional for my life, sometimes like a UFO, or who might destroy my integrity. It depends on my mood and the different stories I hear about it.

However, I can’t even transpose this somewhat pessimistic and detached side into my family history: my parents are still married, live together, work together, evolve together and still love each other. From my extended family, there is no divorce!

When I think about it, it is true that as a child, teenager or early twenties, I always had this little hope of flirting, of being in love or maybe, let’s face it, of entering into a relationship with someone. Unless I stopped teasing myself: I don’t see people through the prism of love-relationship-crush-couple feeling, This is a fact.

And then, the more my feminist culture grows over the years, the more I transpose it into my life and my choices. Even though I know couples with whom things are going well, I now see much better the social, political and economic issues generated by the couple that can be unfair, especially to women in heterosexual relationships. Celibacy preserves me a little from what I imagine, however, on a limited scale.

Does being single affect your friendships?

I live my celibacy very well towards my friends. They know me and they know it’s okay with me. And also because I am still surrounded by many single people! In my circle of friends, I’ve never been judged or dramatically questioned about this. And if, during a conversation, someone asks me if I’m interested, I respond with humor “Oh well as usual eh, here we are, RAS. »

What about your family relationships?

I’m less comfortable with my family. I’m more modest with them, I find it difficult to discuss this kind of thing with my parents and I know they find it difficult to discuss it with me. However, I feel it questions them.

One thing is certainI clearly saw the evolution of my family’s language, in the years. In adolescence the couple does not exist. Early twenties, still not really, or so from little subliminal messages. And from the age of 24 or 25, so there, tweezers became great hair clips. Because you know, at this age you MUST have a +1, start talking about home, family, etc. Everyone wants to know when I’ll introduce them to someone, when I’ll get married… I also recommend family meals, which are very conducive to this type of discussion.

Now I know that any conversation about Car-who-is-married-at-your-age-and-is-pregnant can at any moment lead to “And you, when is it? »

Because I’m uncomfortable, and to avoid pulling them back with feminist, anti-capitalist and radical arguments that they wouldn’t understand, I prefer to respond with tortuous quips teasing them a bit. I just dread the moment when, in my late thirties, if I’m not with anyone, the gripper will have become a backhoe gripper.

I studied what I liked, I make a living doing a job I love, I have a roof, I’m well surrounded… They just need the Man to sublimate all that, I guess.

Does being single affect your morale on a daily basis?

Celibacy affects my morale, in a positive way! It allows me to live my life the way I want without having to include another person in the equation. To the extent that being in a relationship isn’t a goal in my life, I’m free in my head. I don’t want to find someone. As J.Lo (or the potentially uncredited singer) would say “I’m happy”.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Since I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ll answer with assumptions. I guess it allows me to make my schedule how I feel, with no concessions. I can do activities, vacations alone or with my friends without having to switch What (the person I would be in a relationship with) as a priority.

It allows me to preserve my autonomy, my habits. Living as a couple and sleeping with someone, for me, is not possible (no, I will not sacrifice my position as a starfish for one person who takes all the covers off me).

And then there’s serenity in my way of managing money. No need to ask questions, so to speak “Doing 50/50 is unequal for women, you have to do it on a proportional basis” (ok, so you become a chartered accountant on Tricount for life, is that the idea?) or wondering when to make the guy pay for everything (they are beautiful, the great values ​​of independence).

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

I guess being single, it prevents me from saving money. The couple can share the costs of buying a property, for example, or going on vacation. Singles can be expensive in some ways. However, it also saves me expenses. For example, for couples who live together, the price of groceries is logically doubled, for appointments and outings… All of this has a cost that I don’t have to manage.

Do you feel the pressure to actively seek out a partner?

No, because no one bothers me with this every day. Even age is not a pressure for me. I don’t see why I should rush into something I don’t want. And if that happens, it will come when it does, and we will see what happens!

Does Single Love Affect Your Sex Life?

The fact that I don’t feel the need to love someone romantically or be in a relationship with someone means I don’t have sex. For me, the two go a bit togetherand I’m not even actively looking for a sexual partner.

Does your celibacy affect your plans for the future?

My ideas for the future are related to the professional field, so as a couple or not, they won’t be affected!

Cover photo credit: Miriam Alonso / Pexels