Emotionally immature mothers tend to share three specific habits that leave a lasting mark on their children, often following them well into adulthood, according to the lifestyle outlet YourTango.
Relationship recovery coach Kathryn Stephen, who specializes in helping people heal from toxic relationships with their mothers, said such mothers feel no remorse about violating their children's personal boundaries or treating them disrespectfully. She said the lessons children absorb from this behavior carry consequences that last long after childhood ends.
Making children act like parents
The first habit Stephen described is parentification, a situation in which a child takes on an adult role in the relationship with their mother. She said this can mean a child is expected to calm their mother down, listen to her problems, manage her moods or take care of her, instead of receiving support themselves.
YourTango reported that this experience can affect a person's ability to regulate their own emotions, set boundaries and build healthy relationships as an adult. People who grew up this way can become used to putting others' needs above their own and feel guilty when they try to look after themselves.
Competing with their own children
The second pattern Stephen identified is a mother competing with her own child. She said an emotionally immature mother may compare herself to her son or daughter, dismiss their achievements, or try to prove she is superior to them.
According to the article, this leaves the child under constant pressure, anxiety and stress. Rather than feeling joy over their own successes, the child learns to fear that those achievements will trigger irritation, resentment or envy in their mother.
Stephen said this kind of experience can create a lasting sense of inadequacy and push a person to keep seeking approval from others long after they have grown up.
Envy and broken boundaries
The third habit is envy directed at the child, particularly at daughters. Stephen said a mother can react painfully to her child's attractiveness, achievements, independence or happy relationships.
In these cases, a request to respect personal space or boundaries can be taken as a personal attack. The mother may become offended when the child refuses to comply with her demands, seeks independence, or declines to share every detail of their life.
As a result, the child gradually learns to focus on the mother's needs, anticipate her reactions and avoid conflict, while their own wants, emotions and needs get pushed aside.
What research and experts recommend
A 2022 study cited by YourTango recommended encouraging open and honest communication between mothers and daughters so both can express their feelings and needs.
Experts quoted in the article said recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward rebuilding personal boundaries. For some people, working through this kind of experience is helped by psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, meditation and other practices aimed at addressing emotional trauma.
YourTango said a mother should be someone willing to set aside anything she can in order to do what truly serves her children's best interests, whatever that may be. She should be a source of support, a companion and someone who cares, not someone her child fears or resents. When the opposite is true, the outlet said, it means she has not fulfilled her responsibilities as a mother.
Related advice on parenting
UNIAN previously reported on seven things parents do that make children want to talk openly with them, including controlling their own behavior before trying to control their child's, being open about who they are, asking about feelings rather than just results, not treating some emotions as acceptable and others as not, recovering well after difficult moments, and not offloading their own emotional needs onto their child.
