Everyone is looking at me: what is the spotlight effect?

Have you ever walked down the street with a stain on your jacket, felt the eyes that bother you? Or are you embarrassed to sign up for a gym fearing that there are only bodybuilders and weightlifters around and they will all be examining every wrinkle next to you as if under a microscope? Or maybe an unexpected pimple appeared on his forehead in the morning, and now the eyes of passersby are just riveting to him? It must have happened more than once.

The spotlight effect is to blame – a person’s tendency to exaggerate the attention paid to them. It was first discovered in 1999 by Thomas Gilovich (American psychologist and member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences) and Kenneth Sawicki (social psychologist and professor at Williams College, USA). This is a cognitive distortion that exaggerates our self-image like a spotlight. The effect manifests itself both in positive situations, for example, when we think that everyone around us admires our new hairstyle, and in negative situations. Let’s say you tripped over the office and now you’re sure your colleagues are laughing at you behind your back.

Natalya Zhukova, a neuropsychologist-rehabilitologist with more than 13 years of experience, founder and rector of the University of Modern Psychology, told us about this phenomenon and how to stop getting on your nerves believing that the world revolves around your failures.

Natalya Zhukova, neuropsychologist-rehabilitologist

The spotlight effect isn’t just about how we feel about our appearance. It also affects how we communicate: it negatively affects our self-perception, increases our level of social anxiety, and creates difficulties in dating. The spotlight influence interferes with your life, especially if your job involves teaching or public speaking.

Many people experience the spotlight effect in their daily life. For example, via expressions:

This list is endless, because we really strive to look presentable, tidy, talk about the weather, and create a positive impression of ourselves. But is it helpful to think that we are always on the agenda?

We perceive the world through the prism of our own experiences, and earlier this was directly related to issues of survival. Simply put, most of the time we focus on ourselves. Our goals, aspirations, ambitions and desires form our personality. This makes an unconscious connection with the fact that we are just as important in people’s eyes as our own. Rabbi Simcha-Bunim of Pshischa (a distinguished Hasidic master) taught that everyone should have two pockets. In one pocket there should be a piece of paper with the words “I am dust and ashes”, in the other the same, but with the words “The world was made for me”. This is an interesting example of perception, because our own sense of importance is not so important to others. And our failures, our hesitations, our crumpled dress are quickly forgotten.

How to deal with the feeling that everyone is looking at you?

In situations where you are faced with the spotlight effect, reverse exercise works well..

– Try to remember the faces of passers-by and what they were wearing. Which of these evoked negative emotions in you and why?

How often do you think about other people’s failures? For example, do you spend a lot of time navigating your thoughts and remembering how someone slipped and fell on ice?

The answers to these questions will show you how much time you devote to others.

It can also be helpful to ask for feedback from loved ones. For example, ask a friend, “Did I really act stupid at the last party?” ask. or “You think my coworkers hate me?” Most likely, the answer will be: “Relax, you are being unreasonably harsh with yourself, no one pays attention to this as much as you do.”

If the previous method is not convincing and you are used to relying only on yourself, with helpful questions you can think of a plan for a difficult situation. For example, you had an argument with someone you love. Ask yourself:

1) why bad if i am right?
2) What will be the results?
3) What can I do to fix this situation?

Making a detailed plan will help reduce anxiety. The sequence of actions drawn step by step will restore a sense of control and rationality of thinking. And remember that people’s opinions differ from yours. You can correct an unpleasant situation or pay less attention to it – this way it will not disturb your harmony and peace.