I opened my couple and I lived it very badly

6 July 2020

On Friday night, for the first time in our history, my boyfriend went out with someone. And I, I spent the night crying.

However, deep down, I believe we will come out stronger.

The discussion dates back to several months ago. Since we’ve been living together for several years and my boyfriend has desires beyond mine, we talked about opening up our relationship.

Love someone and see them blossom

While we were in an exclusive relationship, my boyfriend’s desire became more and more pressing on his side – he wanted to experience new things and discover new bodies.

If on the spot, this discussion flanked me with a stomach ache from hell. I was completely open to this idea. : I deeply believe that we cannot meet each other’s expectations and that we should be able to be free to thrive without exercising control over those we love.

I hate the feeling of jealousy and if I’m not exempt from it, I wouldn’t call myself possessive. In principle, philosophically, I only want one thing: that he feel good, and me too. This is all the more important to me since since the beginning of our history he has experienced several very violent depressive episodes that made me fear losing him.

To my relief, it has been blooming for some time now.

He has found meaning in his work, he has built a solid foundation of friends who are there for him and he projects himself. His enthusiasm warms my heart and he does not lack gratitude towards me, thanking me for having been there in the most difficult moments.

When depression affects a person in a couple

For me it’s another lemonade. Even though I have been in regular contact with my friends during childbirth, I have never felt so alone in the face of my problems. For weeks I struggled with a question without finding an answer: Where am I going?

For a long time I buried the negative feelings that come with this search for meaning, telling myself that everything would be okay, that I had to be patient, that these questions would find answers. But nothing helps: for months I seem to be standing still. And this makes me deeply sad. My partner may very well be there and accompany me, but I can’t go on.

I have already experienced this lag situation in my previous couples.

It happens that one has a super shine and that the other is going through a personally more difficult period. It often led to a breakup, because we couldn’t communicate and the disconnection was such that too many things were broken to work on.

This time around, they are in a rather different configuration. We communicate a lot, we don’t hide our moods and we try to be there for each other. Emotionally it is intense, but it is also deeply vitalizing.

For a few weeks I didn’t admit it to myself, but I was in depression. And it exploded in my face when my boyfriend asked me if it bothered me that he didn’t come home on friday night.

The night he went out on his date

Living together, the day before he had told me that he would go out the next evening, a habit that is unknown to him, he who very rarely sees his friends.

Because I felt that the subject touched me more than reason, I had asked him not to give me details when the date situation would arise. So I didn’t ask any questions and he went out on Friday night. This is the “contract” we have established and it has been respected.

I envy couples who do not live together because basically I would have preferred not to know anything. Let him live her life without me asking what time she will be home, without my imagination feeding on what might happen. In the end, I would like to not care anymore and live it indifferently as if it were telling me that it is going to a friend’s house.

Alone in the apartment, I tried to silence my imagination and my scornful little voices all evening, but when I went to bed I got a message.

He asked me, very carefully, if I saw a problem it wouldn’t be suitable.

“Your well-being is important to me, I want you to agree with this idea, otherwise I’ll go home.” “

I agreed, for me, nothing should stop him from having this freedom. The message went away, he thanked me and all of a sudden he went black.

Alone in the dark

My stomach dropped, the images in my head exploded, my heart twisted in pain, damn, damn I’m lonely, how sad I am.

Maybe I’ll always be sad? Why don’t I have the energy to experience new moments like him? I’m not attractive, nobody is interested in me. I am cold and distant.

The panic attack that hit me made me lose my breath and my reason. Overwhelmed by my emotions, by an overflow of “wrong things”, I found myself locked in the dark room of depression that I had not attended since the last break, very painful, just over two years.

Later that night, I realized that the emotions of my previous breakup, marked by a very dirty deception, had come back to me as an old post-traumatic syndrome, triggered by the mere prospect of hearing the key shake in the door lock. around 5:00, like two years ago.

Here, however, the situation is quite different. The relationship is quite different. I am different. But the problem with trauma is that they reappear without warning.

The open couple on paper and in reality

The subject of open relationships is not exactly new to me. My best friend is polyamorous, one of my friends just opened her relationship and I have heard and read several stories that have chosen this dynamic.

With my friends we have often discussed our dissonance between the “philosophy” of the thing on paper and the implementation which is often emotionally much more complicated.

I grew up in a world where I was made to believe that one day I would find the chosen one (yes without -and, how can you live other than the straight one?), The one who would fulfill my heart, all my expectations and make me complete , infinitely happy.

This bullshits, I thought I had crushed it during my last breakup, when I realized once and for all that my happiness should NOT rest on the person who shared a piece of my daily life. I had promised myself to distil it in all the people who share my life, and a little in me.

And then there was this meeting, this crush on my current boyfriend. I dove into it at full speed and forgot again. We have been through such difficult times that this relationship has a unique depth and loyalty.

I too had told him about the opening of our couple, because I wanted and had the opportunity. While many couples have been tested, we have experienced seclusion as a spring walk.

Open your couple and learn to love yourself again

But all the love I have for him and he has for me doesn’t silence my fears and insecurities.

Because I’m not okay right now, I’m afraid of a change in our daily life, I’m afraid I’m not good enough, I’m afraid of becoming the “everyday dirty stuff” girl while sharing light moments with others, I am afraid of loneliness, I am afraid of collapsing and being less desirable in his eyes, as in those of others.

Too busy to follow the course of my daily life, I don’t want to go there Date and I have a feeling that getting into the hypocritical games of dating apps will consume what little energy and hope I have left.

We talked about all this for a good part of the weekend. I come out with the certainty that I do not want to part with him, even if for the moment it stings a lot.

His hours spent reassuring me and taking care of me may not have been in vain, but I know deep down that the task that awaits me does not concern him at all, beyond the rules that we will put in place to respect ourselves.

I am at the beginning of a long road and in a few weeks I will no doubt have lessons to learn from it.

After months of self-denial, I have to learn to love myself again.

And you, did you open up your relationship? How would you approach?