I’ve been pretending with my boyfriend for years and I want to stop. Advice?

Once a week, Charlotte answers anonymous questions from our readers and dispel the clichés linked to our love lives.

A question ? Write to us at [email protected] with subject “Dear Charlotte”

“Dear Carlotta,

I will soon celebrate my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We don’t live together yet, but things are going very well: he is kind, attentive, meets my needs… in short, it’s been a long time since I felt so fulfilled with a man. But from day one of our intimate relationship, I developed a bad habit: I faked it. It didn’t come from a bad intention, I wanted to please him. Except I find myself locked in my own “lie” and feel forced to pretend in each of our relationships. I would like to stop but I don’t know how. Do you have some advice? »

Dear Anonymous,

I completely understand your discomfort. At the beginning it is sometimes complicated to dare to be fully yourself. We embellish reality to please. In most cases, things eventually fall into place and everything becomes natural. But sometimes it’s more complicated. If there is one lesson your experience can teach us: Falsifying reality, even when it is to please others, is not necessarily the best idea.

Honesty and communication: the key words of a healthy relationship

My first piece of advice would be to tell you that communication and honesty are the best solution.

First of all because it will free you from a burden: that of having to play a role.

But also because it will surely bring you and your boyfriend closer, because you will finally be free to be yourself, free to feel and express your true emotions. Plus, by stopping pretending, your boyfriend will have the opportunity to truly satisfy your needs in bed. And this is really good news!

But rest assured: it’s not just a question of honesty and communication.

Please: a never-ending pattern

In his book Rediscover your sexuality which I really like to mention in this section, Lisa Demma conducted an interesting survey with a hundred women of different backgrounds. 20% of them say they have sex with their partner even if they don’t really want it. Most also say they play a role during sex, like you do, whether through your voice (moans), body (back arching), or general reactions. In their case as in yours, the main reason is to encourage your partner, enhance her, flatter her ego. Finally, 40% of women surveyed say they fake orgasms from time to time.

What these figures say is that you are far from alone in your situation and that there is a real pattern at work. Part of it is due to the education we give girls, with this idea of ​​pleasing others and putting others before ourselves. Conversely, others expect us women to put them before ourselves. And this education also has repercussions in bed, as you may have guessed, where it’s about putting your partner’s pleasure above our own.

When we make love, we are constantly in a role-playing game in which we adopt the other’s point of view: the goal is for him to experience pleasure, to the point of obliterating ourselves. As a result, we can no longer even know what we like or feel.

So no, your situation is far from exceptional or desperate. To varying degrees, this is the fate of the vast majority of us. But it is by becoming aware of the details of this scheme that we can, if we wish, deconstruct it, to finally be free to be who we want!

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