I’m a mother with ADHD and here’s what you should know

ADHD, this acronym seems to have invaded our social networks for several years. Some even talk about fashion and an epidemic. Two terms that paradoxically demonstrate a total ignorance of the matter.

Attention deficit disorder with or without hyperactivity is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs attentional and executive functions, which should effortlessly control our routine actions. It manifests itself in particular through constant forgetfulness, delays or even the regular loss of everyday objects.

Hyperactivity is present in just over 50% of cases and is often accompanied by impulsiveness and disinhibition.

ADHD is not an invention of the pharmaceutical lobbies nor an unfortunate consequence of our sedentary lifestyle. It’s a developmental disorder that didn’t wait until the 2000s to emerge and affects between 2.5 and 2.9 percent of adults. In the collective imagination this acronym mainly concerns rowdy kids who wonder if they simply need a renovation. If we now know that girls are affected too, let’s think more of Gen Z TikTokers dancing with cat ears. Or to the heroines of our pop culture, generally described as unstable and talkative, but bubbly, funny and sexy.

ADHD, a gender-specific disorder

Not all women with ADHD are Pixie Dream Girls. Among them we also find many ordinary mothers, a people historically not famous for their fun and spontaneity.

If no one doubts the existence of this disorder in women who have children, there is still very little talk about the challenges characteristic of gender, and even more so about motherhood.

In women, the characteristics of hyperactivity and impulsiveness are less present, or rather internalized. They could have developed better compensation strategies to better meet the expectations of their gender.

Female symptoms tend to include inattention and distraction. Not very annoying to the group, they are largely ignored. Result: Studies are currently unable to determine the prevalence of the disorder among men and women. It is assumed, without certainty, that men would be more affected.

All we know is that, depending on the work done and the biases applied, a man is 2 to 9 times more likely to be diagnosed than a woman. Many more chances to receive treatments that work, learn to manage the disorder, develop adequate strategies and live correctly.

ADHD and women and neuroatypical society

Slutty, messy, sloppy, stubborn, stressful, abrupt, greedy and I’ll spare you the ugliest ones. The ones who killed me, as they said. These lines reflect the image he ultimately had of himself. For years I felt like the big foot of Javotte, Cinderella’s sister, trying to slip on her delicate slipper.

I tried for a long time to hide my daily difficulties, but I was never able to create an illusion. But how can we explain that an adult woman, visibly endowed with a functioning brain, cannot perform very simple actions? Always late? Can’t stay in place?

Faced with this laziness and evident lack of will, the outside world has always felt entitled to comment on my existence, without being invited. This scaling without anesthesia to “teach me how to take care of my teeth”. This hairdresser and his colleagues making fun of my hair, while I cry in shame. This roommate who comes into my room without knocking before calling me a slut. This supervisor who refuses to sit next to me because I’m too fast.

Like many women with ADHD and neuroatypicality in general, I accumulated debt and engaged in risky behaviors. I have also been the joy of sexual predators at times and have blamed these incidents on my drinking. Too bad for me.

On average, women with ADHD are diagnosed in their 30s and 40s. They therefore live on average between 30 and 40 years in the role of a clumsy, unsuitable, unstable, rude, messy and disorganized (or psychorigid), distracted, incoherent and possibly drug-addicted and depraved person.

When they become adults, and sometimes mothers, they are already very damaged by years of difficult adaptation, unpredictable daily life and sad self-image.

The breaking point

I have never been happier than during my first pregnancy. I had always dreamed of having children. I had a fuzzy feeling that they would provide the answer to all my problems: once I became a mother, I would be FORCED to function normally, for them.

I knew in advance that I wouldn’t have the courage to follow some of the more challenging recommendations, but I was ready to accept them. I had the incredible opportunity to work in a curated environment that prioritized balance over perfection. The birth of the child, in fact, corresponded to the entry into a period of stability that continues today.

For several years I resisted, with an apologetic smile on my face and a feeble apology in my mouth. I missed the open days. The child was wearing mismatched socks and too-small leggings borrowed from the daycare. We couldn’t invite any more children due to the mess. Dad wasn’t much more diligent than me, but he had the right. At the time, I laughed about it. I was in total adoration in front of my baby with whom I had managed to form a wonderful relationship, the rest mattered so little to me.

Then my son was born and this added burden (as amazing as it is, my son is an amazing human being) left me reeling. I went from being a nice, satisfied mother to a mother who turns and screams at the slightest annoyance. I was living with a sword of Damocles hanging over my head. A moment of inattention and everything could collapse. And sure, my mistakes didn’t cost me much, but I lost my identity documents so many times that I was suspected of trafficking in fake passports. It’s a true story. This is our life.

The proven difficulties of ADHD when you are a mother

Upon becoming a mother, the precarious and hard-won balance collapses under the weight of the new mental load, while children who resemble us come to test our resistance. Manifestations of ADHD pollute daily life and undermine the places where mothers should excel.

Remembering everything, concentrating, patiently, not forgetting, listening carefully, constantly dedicating yourself to someone else, all this requires more energy than is available. Especially in women who have a great need for solitude and independence and may have difficulty tolerating contact when overworked.

When the battery is empty, the engine explodes. I realize the inaccuracy of this metaphor, but it sums up the tiredness and increasingly frequent outbursts of anxiety and irritation that ultimately led to my diagnosis.

I was 34 when I finally put a word to this feeling of constant mental seasickness. This allowed me to grieve an unexpected recovery and look at life differently, with solutions that fit my family. We operate on the spoon principle, accepting and communicating a lot, waiting to stop screaming alone in our corners.

Listen to Apéro des Daronnes, Madmoizelle’s show that aims to break down taboos on parenting.