Chronicle of a mother: what I stopped doing when my children fought

This post is taken from the weekly newsletter “Le Balagan” by our editor-in-chief Candice Satara. Candice is the mother of four boys ages 2 to 12. To receive it you can sign up for free here.

My first two are 21 months apart from each other, which means they are extremely close. They share the same room, the same interests, the same clothes, spend a lot of time together and support each other. They obviously love each other very much, but the problems of power, control and rivalry cause frequent discussions. Often the starting point is when he feels that his parents treat him differently than his brother and that these differences are unfair.

It’s always very explosive like everywhere I imagine

My older son is hot-tempered, touchy, impulsive, while my younger son can be aggressive, deceitful and mocking. I read it sibling conflicts were healthy in most casesbut that “sometimes some, poorly resolved, very aggressive or even violent, were associated with poor subsequent adaptation (…) The child who experiences fraternal conflicts can, for example, develop aggressive tendencies in adulthood. » This passage is taken from the fascinating summary “Relationships between peers” from the Encyclopedia of the Family. Enough to take a closer look at things to avoid.

Don’t take sides anymore

I tried different postures with my two older children. Initially I wanted to protect the youngest, most fragile, who cried insistently and denounced his brother’s actions. Then I realized that if the older one was very angry, the younger one could be mocking and abusive. So I changed my mind.

And then I collapsed, I had had enough of being the referee who counts the points and decides between the players, saying who is wrong and who is right. I let them rip and I only intervene when it becomes too violent or if I feel an insult that is intolerable for me. For example, I can’t stand when mental disorders or disabilities are used as insults. You make me angry.

Read also: Chronicle of a mother: these bad mother things I do

Typically one (always the same one) shows up in the living room to report the brother who beat him and insulted him. As I write to you he has just arrived: “Mom, you can tell A. to stop insulting me, I won’t say what he said to me but…” He tickles me, tries to elicit a reaction from me. I am tired. My twins are not excluded. They are not yet 3 years old and they are already fighting, pulling hair and biting each other. In the apartment I witness an incessant dance in which the blond runs after the dark-haired, hiding a toy in his arms that the other wants to grab. Necessarily. The blond, the impetuous one, bites the brunette’s shoulder who screams in pain and runs towards an available parent

Conflict = jealousy = discomfort?

“When children argue with each other, they ‘tell’ their parents that they feel unsettled, that their brothers and sisters represent a threat to their basic need to feel safe in the family”remembers Dr. Becky Kennedy in her work. “Attention parents” (Courier du livre editions) you understood, I studied well.

It’s normal and healthy to have a range of feelings about your brother or sister. “VSThe problem is not our feelings, but their regulation. ” And this “It depends on our willingness to recognize, validate, and allow these feelings (and to set limits when they turn into dangerous actions). » For the specialist it is necessary to open the dialogue, Encourage them to talk to you honestly about their feelings about their siblingsbook at privileged moment with all. “I know having a brother or sister is complicated. And I know you have a lot of things to say about your sister (…)”.

When does it get out of control?

OK, you’ll tell me, it’s very nice but in practice what do we do, when? When does it get out of control? When they get hurt. The ideal is to adopt a posture of the mediator and no judge. “’I won’t let you’ may need to be combined with a physical action to reinforce these words, such as coming between your children or pushing one child away from another, the psychologist advises. Dangerous situations such as “I won’t let you” can also include mean words, taunts, or teasing. »

We intervene, we separate them, when things really get out of hand and otherwise we try to slow the situation down, “so your kids can self-regulate and access their problem-solving skills.” In summary, we don’t resolve the conflict for them. As always, these recommendations, based on scientific work, are clear on paper, but difficult to implement in reality. And how’s it going at home?

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