Hypersexuality: I slept excessively to forget past sexual traumas

“I have suffered in the past forced sex, followed shortly after by a sexual assault: both traumatized me unconsciously. Then I didn’t think that the first one was forced: of course, I didn’t want to sleep with him at that moment, but I told him “no” reluctantly, “reluctantly”, in a gentle way so as not to crease it. I didn’t yell, scream, hit or be harsh enough – or so I thought – because I was afraid he would get angry and the situation would get worse. On the other hand, the attacker “limited himself” to showing a lot of insistence, begging and “forcing” me to give in without falling into violence; which further reassured me in my idea of ​​”no rape”. Add to this the fact that I knew him and that something consensual had already happened before: the fact that I had said “yes” to him once then made me think that he had all the rights over me…

The events took place during my student work

My attacker was a colleague of mine and we had already had one consensual sexual intercourse outside the professional framework. At the time of the incident she wants to sleep with me again but in our workplace, in an isolated room in the basement and without cameras (where the supplies of goods are kept). I do not want. But after enduring his insistence for long minutes, understanding that I won’t be able to escape him because of where we are, I let it happen. It could have ended there…

But later, taking himself for an “alpha male”, he tells everyone that he “fooled” me in that room, that I am an “easy girl”, “open-minded” who says “yes” to everything. She also encourages his friends at work to do the same for me because in his opinion “that’s good for that”. He also filmed me without my knowledge during the act and showed the videos to several of our colleagues; just to prove that he wasn’t lying.

He wants his piece of cake too

A few days later, I have to go back to the warehouse downstairs to restock the shelves. Another boy is sent with me. Inspired by the “exploits” of his friend, he keeps me in this same room, to have his slice of the cake too. He insists that I sleep with him, telling me: “But you’re a good girl, you don’t mind doing it in this place, you don’t care, you’re ‘open’. Plus I know you’ve slept with X here before and had fun.”

I make him understand that I don’t care, that I don’t want. But I am faced with a man who does not respect women and who does not understand that we “resist” him. He then has the idea of ​​taking me from behind and hugging me tightly, not in a tender and affectionate way, far from it, but rather to limit my movements, intimidate me, show me that he is much stronger than me and that even if I struggle, I won’t I will be able to escape. I try to free myself from his embrace, to fight gently, tell him to let me go with a tight smile to make him believe I’m not afraid.

The truth is, I’m terrified. The man is strong, about 1.90 meters tall. I am very petite and just 1.60 meters tall. I know very well that all the conditions are there for him to attack me without ever worrying. “Luckily for me,” after many minutes, he finally let me go. When I come back up, I’m still in shock, I’m shaking from head to toe and burst into tears in the store.

Although this may seem trivial to some, these two cumulative episodes were enough to destroy the vision I have of myself, of romantic relationships, of the man-woman relationship, of sexuality. I was just starting to be sexually active – the colleague in question was the second sexual encounter of my life: he therefore colored and parasitized all my subsequent relationships.

The sequel: sexual encounters galore, because in my mind man-woman relationships are necessarily centered on the carnal dimension

Several years followed where I have a series of virtual and physical meetings : Flirting, Situations, One Night Stands and One Night Stands. I put myself on dating apps, social networks; and I buy sexual partners like you would for a new coat. Tinder, Happn, OKCupid: all means are good for provoking encounters with others and maximizing my chances of having a sexual partner to share my bed with. I try all the apps under the guise that I’m growing up and that “we only have one life.”

At that time, I averaged out two meetings a week with different men, which often results in a consensual sexual relationship. The procedure is always the same: we communicate a little via text – sometimes two days is enough – we set a date for the meeting and immediately sleep together. I don’t necessarily like it in fucking, but I do it anyway: in my head it’s as if it had to be done, as if it were what is expected of me, as if man-woman relationships had to necessarily take place in that or gravitate around that.

A tendency to sexualize all my interactions with the opposite sex

And even if it doesn’t lead to the famous coitus, I always find a way to enter into a sexual dynamic with men. In fact, from the first moments in which we exchange messages, in which we simply get to know each other; I hasten to “turn on” the other, to “warm him up”, to awaken his sexual desire through my words; in short, sexualize our verbal exchanges and send sexts.

I can’t help it, it’s stronger than me: it’s me who systematically introduces sex into the conversation with my companions, my suitors… As if it were the only interesting topic I could share with the desired being, the the only topic that allowed me to create a bond with him, the only topic that could make me interesting and attractive to him.

A “parasitized” vision of love, with sex at the center of everything

Furthermore, it’s strange, but when he doesn’t talk to me about sex or when he doesn’t always want to go to bed with me, I have the impression that my suitor or lover doesn’t like me, that he isn’t interested in me romantically, that he doesn’t like me and that he is not attracted to me.

At the same time, every time a man even tries to get to know me “seriously,” I get the impression that he only wants one thing: sex. I can’t imagine he would be interested in me for anything other than… In my mind it’s almost as if my human value lies only in my sexuality. To be validated, accepted, loved, I will therefore give the other what I think they would like, without them even asking. I will anticipate, I will give my privacy upfront so that you don’t steal it from me or steal it from me like we have in the past. So, to be “worthy of love,” I will automatically sexualize myself.

Hypersexualization as reappropriation of my body, of my history

At the time I didn’t get much pleasure exclusively from my sexuality, but being sexually active I felt like I was a woman again and no longer a sexual object. Since I choose when, how, and who to share my bed with, I feel like I am reclaiming my body, my story, my life.

During the rape and sexual violence I was the passive victim: I suffered. When I sleep with others (anyone), I’m the one who chooses, I’m the one who’s active, I’m the one who’s an actress. And the more I sleep, the more I feel like I’m regaining power over my life: I feel helpless at all times… The problem is that I’m never enough, because this power disappears as soon as my partner disappears. .

Looking back, I realize that for me the process was much the same as that of a “relationship dressing”: by chaining together the conquests, I was simply trying to erase the old trauma with a similar situation, this time chosen. By over-sexualizing myself and having sex very often, I rewrote the story, I changed the narrative with situations that looked a bit like assault since they happened in the same (sexual) sphere, but which took on a more positive aspect.

The trigger: a dissonance between what I want and what I do…

It clicked when I realized that casual relationships, hookups, and all that stuff weren’t what I wanted; but that, despite being aware of this, I couldn’t help but direct and orient all my relationships in this direction. The truth is that I wanted to share something more than just the carnal or sexual dimension, but I couldn’t stop showing just that side of me to the men I met. To men I only highlighted my sexuality: no other trait of my personality, no other pillar of my identity was proudly exhibited or valued by me. Unconsciously, I thought I only had value through my body, my gender, my sexuality.

Now I know it’s a limiting belief about love that I need to get rid of, because it has long parasitized my relationships with the opposite sex. A TikTok video, which I came across during the lockdown, reinforced this awareness. She was talking about hypersexuality caused by past sexual trauma. I immediately recognized myself in the comments made. By doing my research on the internet, everything became clearer to me.

Fate (or the algorithm) does things right!

To think that back then I believed I was a woman free from any past sexual trauma… In reality, I was still alienated. And it’s not a sexist issue.”count the bodies” : a woman has the right to sleep with as many people as she wants, if it makes her happy, does not damage her psyche and respects her wishes. But in my case it wasn’t something that satisfied me the most: like a robot, I had one-night stands without asking myself whether I wanted it or not.

Today I slowed down, stopped dating apps and having casual relationships. I focus on myself, I let things happen and I don’t provoke them. Tell the truth, I even have the impression of having fallen on the opposite side, to reject any semblance of romantic relationships with men for fear of being “used” and exploited for my sexuality. I still have a long way to go, it’s true, but I’m seeing a psychologist and I have the desire to make it.

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