“But why do you get angry so quickly?” Tired of fighting over the kids?

I wanted to share with you a recurring problem in my relationship: arguments about education or better Repeated disagreements between my boyfriend and I regarding children.

This post is taken from our editor-in-chief Candice Satara’s weekly newsletter, “Le Balagan”. Candice is the mother of four boys ages 2 to 12. To receive it you can sign up for free here.

Last night, returning from an errand around 7.30pm, I arrived home and, even before opening the door, I sensed (felt) that the atmosphere was explosive. I walked in and it really was total pandemonium. The twins didn’t want to have dinner, the older ones were playing football in the living room. The husband was furious, at the end of his strength, he continually threatened. Then I intervened, I asked him why he was angry, wasn’t it a bit exaggerated. Seeing the little effect of my observation, I added: in an exasperated tone : “you really have no patience”. Was this a good idea? No, because the boy immediately got angry. “Yes, you arrive at 8pm like a flower and you take the liberty of bringing her back, they’ve been doing something stupid for an hour. »

A. is a wonderful father, a lovely husband, but he is a little grumpy and a little omniscient, easily losing his temper with the twins in the midst of a “terrible two”. “You want to sleep outside, right, so eat?” » Yes, sometimes he makes this kind of threat that he doesn’t say a word about. He makes me angry.

“You pass everything on to him”

I, I don’t know why, but I have a infinite patience with my youngest. They can throw the plate around, stir the yogurt while looking at me, turn the whole room upside down, I can stay calmI talk to them softly while I collect the shells scattered on the ground, it’s terrible to collect sticky paste on a parquet floor. Often, when dad collapses, I come to the rescue, hugging the poor abused child. So I tell him that he is exaggerating, he replies that I pass everything on to him, I tell him that a 2 and a half year old child doesn’t throw tantrums. “I know what I’m talking about anyway, I’ve read and written a lot about it! » He hates it when I roll my eyes with that mean look “you’re missing the point.”

Everyone is convinced they are right

As for adults, they turns out that sometimes I insist on them: it’s true, I lack patience, the drop of water breaking the camel’s back and it drives me crazy, anger takes me. This week, in two days, they devoured three quarters of my order of Leclerc snacks, with the peculiarity of leaving the empty packets in the cupboard. My second son doesn’t listen to anything at the moment, everything is beyond his control, he is extremely insolent and thinks that everything is due to him. It’s hard to stay calm, I let out regularly a “I can’t take any more of you!” » , I even say it“I intend to leave this family” Is he violent? Do not judge me. On the one hand I pass everything on to the twins, on the other I do not tolerate the slightest deviation from pre-adolescents. It’s a question ofpsychological wear and tearlike Sun Capital, I think they’ve exhausted a lot of their parent capital.

The average parent supports eight times a month with the co-parent about education!

In an egalitarian couple where daily responsibilities are more or less shared, where parents are involved, like us, friction over education is therefore daily. According to a 2015 study, broadcast by the DailyMailon average one parent supports eight times a month with the co-parent on the education of children. And the topic most likely to cause one of these topics is discipline. Indulging in tantrums appears to be the second most common cause. Other disagreements emerge such as the threat of punishment not being carried out. Interesting: leave the children sleep in parents’ bed it’s also one of the ten things most likely to cause conflict.

It’s okay to argue in front of the children

First of all I would like to say to those who read me: It’s okay to argue in front of children. Let’s stop feeling guilty. It’s even healthy, when there is respect, for children to see that we may not agree, but we still love each other very much. “ Arguing is a form of communication. Disagreements and the need to find a solution are natural and part of family life,” explains researcher Penny Mansfield in an article on the Anglo-Saxon website Parents. For the specialist, the mistake that parents make is to start a discussion in front of their children, but not to conclude it in front of them, even if the latter need to know the solution.

That said, it’s never good to worry, especially since children can suffer from it. What is the credibility of someone who reproaches another for something he himself did the day before? It’s difficult to question yourself Don’t judge others instantly, to take the context into account, before indulging in an unpleasant reflection. Who should decide? What is the role of a father, of a mother? Are we on the same level?

I identified some solutions

• Try to stay together in front of the children even if we have a disagreement and postpone it until later. Very difficult to apply. When we gather together in front of the TV in the evening and can finally relax, there is no desire to go back to arguing over lunch.
• Stay true to your beliefs: which principles do you not want to compromise on?
• Recognize that theThe other parent might be right too. Yes, I have to admit that my older son works better when we put pressure on him and initially I didn’t agree at all.
• Let’s let go of certain things that make us sweat unnecessarily: the amount of time in front of the screen that the other person has decided and that doesn’t suit you, the evening menu” How comedormouse meat now ??
  Finally I advise you reading this post from Yeswebloom Insta account. I’m not a fan of personal development, but I find this account pretty well done. The coach lists 5 (unconscious) attitudes that contribute to creating conflicts in the couple. So how many do you control?

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