“I never imagined having an abortion after having already had children”

The discussion about abortion has largely become more open, but we still associate this choice with people who don’t want to have children, or “later.” However, abortion can also be an option when you already have children and no longer wish to expand your family. After one or more children, how do you deal with the decision to have an abortion?

“The decision was made very quickly”

Having become pregnant at the dawn of her forties when she was already the mother of two children born from a previous union, the decision not to carry on with this pregnancy was obvious for Élise. “ When I took the pregnancy test, I realized that I already knew, I didn’t feel like I was making a decision. I immediately focused on medical support, on finding reliable information and above all on protecting myself as much as possible so that things went well for me, who had already suffered obstetric violence. »

Even for Marine this choice was logical. “ This happened twice in the space of six months. My son was one year old and I had not yet mourned the fact that I had given birth to a child in a shaky family situation.. I didn’t ask myself any questions, I made this choice and it was fully accepted “.

Jeanne* also made her decision immediately.

“ We had three children and didn’t want to welcome any more. The decision to abort was made very quickly, within minutes of the positive pregnancy test. I was panicking about reliving the pregnancy and the first few months of the baby. »

For Juliette*, on the contrary, the decision was very difficult to make. “ I found out about my pregnancy late, so I had very little time to think. But with my husband our first instinct was to tell ourselves we didn’t want this baby. However, we weighed the pros and cons. Our financial and material situation was not ideal to welcome a new baby as he deserved.. »

Émilie*, who dreamed of becoming a mother, also suffered from this decision, which proved necessary. “ I was in a relationship with an unstable man, with whom it was impossible to plan. My son from a previous union was 6 years old and I couldn’t see myself raising two children alone. For me, having a child also meant building a family with someone you love deeply. I was sure deep down that I was making the right choice, for my son, for me, for the future. »

“I was ashamed to go to see my midwife about this”

Élise and Jeanne regret that they had difficulty finding reliable information about abortion, but also professionals who could offer appointments on time. “The government website wasn’t updated and it was easy to come across anti-abortion sites disguised as support associations,” explains Élise.

“ I wanted to have a medical abortion and deal with as few people as possible, but the planning center at the university hospital did not have timely appointments, the gynecologists I contacted did not perform abortions, and the midwives I left messages with never called me Back », he regrets.

After the cancellation, she finally managed to find an appointment with a midwife on the Doctolib platform.

Faced with the same situation, Jeanne ended up making an appointment with a midwife she already knew. “ I was ashamed to go and see her because of this. I thought I would prefer an unknown midwife, who I would never see again. Finally, I was happy to have a midwife who knew me, she was very caring. »

They all experienced pain, a lot of bleeding and tiredness, regardless of the abortion method chosen. Marine has experienced both, “I found the suction method less painful and we don’t see the evacuation of the fetus “, but Juliette, who also underwent this operation, regrets not being able to stay there overnight, even though she found it very tiring. Elise was surprised by the fact that pregnancy hormones remain in the body for a while after the operation. abortion, which she had not been warned about.

After abortion the dominant feeling is not the same for everyone. For Émilie it was an intense relief, tinged with regret for having been forced to make this choice. Instead, Juliette felt ashamed and guilty. “ A few months later, the pain remains strongI never imagined having an abortion at thirty, despite being married, with children and a stable professional situation. » Jeanne, overwhelmed by hormones, had episodes of regret and then of reassurance about her decision.

Éléonore, clinical psychologist, explains that according to several international longitudinal studies published between 2020 and 2022, “ The main emotion felt after an abortion is relief. This is not to say that it is an “easy” decision to make, but for the majority of women the difficulty still lies in the stigma that surrounds this choice, in the lack of knowledge on the subject and the possibility of having this choice, only in the consequences of ‘act itself. »

“My partner financially compensated for my lost wages”

Abortion seems all the more taboo when people who are already parents experience it. Élise spoke little about it with those around her, with some close friends, but she didn’t feel very supported. However, it was inconceivable that she would make the decision and its consequences alone. “ My partner worked remotely to be physically present and it also financially compensated for my lost wages and days of waiting. It helped to know that I wasn’t experiencing everything on every level. »

Jeanne’s husband also offered her his unwavering support. “ He told me right away that he would be there for me, whether it was about having an abortion or continuing this pregnancy. I still found myself resenting ithe was present, but, as in the case of my abortions, he found himself very helpless “. However, she did not want to talk about it with the rest of the people around her.

Marine didn’t tell anyone about it either. Émilie confided in some people and received support and understanding, especially from her mother. However, her partner was not available to accompany her and a carer took the liberty of commenting on her decision to abort her.

“If I hadn’t had children, I would definitely have asked myself the question of keeping him”

Is having an abortion after having children a more difficult choice? According to the psychologist the difference is” around the representation acquired by people who are already parents, which leads to a perhaps different apprehension of this act, since it is full of a previous experience. »

Élise thinks that having already been a mother influenced her decision, “if I hadn’t had a child, I would certainly have asked myself the question of whether to keep him or not. But there I felt that I was experiencing it differently from my children’s pregnancies, this time I was not planning a child, a future. And this experience helped me to be sure that I didn’t want a third child. »

Even for Juliette, the fact of already being a mother motivated her decision. “We knew we couldn’t give this child so much. On the other hand, I find it harder to live with, because we know how we would have liked it and we tell ourselves deep down that we deprived our children of someone they would have loved so much. Loveand it would have been very mutual. »

“The fact that I already had children made it easier for me to make the decision,” Jeanne also states. “ Honestly, we’ve all only been sleeping through the night for a few months starting nights again with a baby seemed totally insurmountable, I think I could have died from lack of sleep. But then, for a year, I regularly said to myself “well, I would be at this point in my pregnancy” or we, who have three girls, “it could have been a boy”, “well, he would have been this age”. »

“ Being a mother already didn’t make things easier, because I hoped to have more children one day and feared that this would never happen. On the other hand, a few months later, my life took a very positive turn that would not have been possible if I had continued this pregnancy “, says, for her part, Émilie, who has since had other children.

So how can we best accept this decision, which is sometimes difficult to live with even if the choice was obvious? Élise loved reading books with testimonies, especially from people who did not necessarily experience abortion as a tragedy. Juliette refused psychological help at the time, “I told myself I had to take responsibility”, but with her husband they are now thinking of consulting, because this experience has damaged their relationship. “ I think this remains one of the toughest tests of our lives, although I do not regret this decision.. We just have to learn to live with it in peace. »

Éléonore recommends looking for caregivers who are not at fault, in particular through the Gyn&co website, psychological support if necessary (“ to escape guilt, affirm your choices and anchor the congruence between your actions, your thoughts and the emotions you feel “), and exchange with people who have experienced the same thing.

*These names have been changed

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