Lemanja, 28 years old: “I am aware that the male gaze ‘validates’ me”

• Pseudo : Lemanja*
• Age : 28 years
• Place of life : a small town surrounded by greenery
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual until proven otherwise

How long have you been single?

It’s been a year since I’ve been in a relationship. The last one was a simple story that lasted a week, which I ended up with.

I’ve never had a long relationship. I’ve been in a few relationships, and the “real” relationships I’ve had have lasted a few weeks to a few months. Some relationships were official, others were not. For a long time I experienced it as a failure. Now I can put things in perspective. I no longer see a relationship as a Holy Grail to be achieved and I feel less guilty about being single.

Having a feminist sensibility, I take a look at the flaws of the traditional heterosexual couple. Dating is a straitjacket for many women my parents’ age. I also saw a friend suffer the influence and unhealthy jealousy of her ex-partner, who she had the courage to leave. She showed me that not everything is “rosy” in heterosexual relationships. That we may experience violence or sexism. So, as the saying goes, I’d rather be alone than in bad company.

Ultimately, I don’t like the couple norm in what it entails, especially the notion of exclusivity. I don’t like that word: “couple”. Many couples around me don’t behave like individuals but like an inseparable couple. They do activities together, live together, sometimes work together… Although I admire this harmony, it tends to annoy me. I once dated a man who was polyamorous and whose girlfriends were in the same configuration. I once even talked about being a “free couple” with a lover I trusted… and soon after he left me for someone else. I took it terribly, kind of like he used my words to his advantage.

How would you describe your single life?

I have a normal single life, neither happy nor unhappy. Sometimes I feel alone. I don’t like the tendency towards positivism which consists in loudly proclaiming one’s celibacy, in boasting of being independent and permanently happy.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

I have a solitary character, I like spending time alone, but loneliness can sometimes be heavy, especially after a breakup.

Does being single allow you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

I like my freedom and I’m used to acting alone, or with friends. I’ve never needed anyone to do what I wanted. I am a nomadic person and often change my place of life, for work or other projects. This year I took a trip abroad for several months, with friends and then alone. It was an incredible experience.

Conversely, does being single stop you from doing things you might do if you were in a relationship?

What you can do alone, you can also do with someone. It’s true, I would like to meet a partner with whom I can share tender moments, activities and a certain outlook on life.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I often return to my small hometown, in a rural environment, where almost everyone knows each other. It happens that I meet exes by chance and it’s quite stressful.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

For fun, around the age of 25, I had already signed up to Tinder, in a humorous spirit (my first profile photo was a cow). I met two people who I dated for a while. Then I unsubscribed because I didn’t like the idea of ​​consumption that came with it. I prefer to let myself be carried away by the possibility of real and usual encounters, when I like someone, I don’t “zap” easily. I’m not looking for anyone right now. Often, though, I have someone in mind.

How would you describe your relationship with dating?

Paradoxically, even though I am quite independent in daily life, I have a strong tendency towards emotional dependence. When I meet someone, I fall in love and get carried away pretty quickly. I can’t think of anything else. This affects my mind a lot because I live in anxiety of being left or abandoned. I went through a painful separation three years ago and since then, I have developed a “fear” of dating. So I prefer to work on my self-confidence rather than get into a relationship that will cost me a lot emotionally.

Do you feel any pressure to “actively” look for a romantic partner?

Yes, most of my single friends have had a series of conquests and encounters, both romantically and sexually. Not my case. I’ve had one night stands before, but I don’t feel like it right now. I have the impression that in our society sexual abstinence (whether forced or chosen) is quite frowned upon. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, you need to get laid. If it doesn’t work with men, you need to try it with women. I don’t rule out homosexual relationships, but if it were to happen, I would like it to be out of love and not out of spite for men.

I was touched by the writings of Virginie Despentes, in particular the incipit of The King Kong theory :

“ I write among the ugly, for the ugly, the old, the truck drivers, the frigid, the badly fucked, the unfuckable, the hysterical, the crazy, all those excluded from the great market of good girls. »

Virginie Despentes, The King Kong Theory

Of course, even if I don’t feel ugly, I am aware that the male gaze in a certain sense “validates” me.. Being a young, mixed-race, thin woman, I correspond to certain “beauty standards” and others escape, sometimes I have an androgynous appearance, I don’t necessarily try to please… I would like to be able to take on everything without this requiring validation from my male peers.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

I haven’t had sex for a year now. Sometimes I want it, or I have a crush on someone who couldn’t get it done, so I deal with it. Furthermore, due to a chronic illness, for the past two years I have had very little libido and have felt physically uncomfortable, which does not help to have satisfying sexual intercourse. I focus on my health before my sex life.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

As I approach my thirties, of course, I feel disconnected because my concerns are not those of most people my age. I see childhood friends get married, buy a house or have children, but I observe this conformity with an amused eye. Even most of my closest friends don’t have this mentality, so it’s okay.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I’m looking for an apartment alone, so it costs more than looking for two people. However, even if I were with someone, I can’t imagine myself living under the same roof.

What are your plans for the future? Does being single impact these desires and projections?

Right now I’m looking to move to a bigger city long term. Maybe as I stabilize, I’ll be able to meet people!

Do you have a story about being single to share?

This weekend I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. There were many people as a couple, who were entitled to a room with a double bed. I was in the “singles” dorm.like you said, and even though I didn’t notice it, it brings me back to this state and it’s a little boring.

* The name has been changed.