Help, My Damn Ex Is Invited To My Friends Wedding!

La Daronne answers your questions trying not to be too out of place.

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I need your lights and your wisdom. I’m invited to a PACS in August and a wedding in September. I just learned that three of my exes have also been invited. We call the Maxences, Thomas and Charles. With Maxence and Thomas, no problem, we parted as good friends and see each other from time to time, and I see Maxence too. Instead, we broke up with Charles in an embarrassing and painful way. No sordid history, but I have to take my share of responsibility: I no longer had feelings for him. We continued to see each other for a few months because of work, before I moved for professional reasons. We broke up on this discomfort and never spoke again.

I am very worried about seeing Charles again, especially since I don’t want to cause disruption at my friends’ weddings (nor at PACS). I will go to the wedding alone and there won’t be many of us (about 40), and I only know a few guests.

I appeal to your wisdom, oh daronne, and your sage advice to better manage the situation.

Giulia

Daronne’s answer

My little bowl of sweet potato curry,

I think that if certain cultures forbid gaudriole before marriage, it is also to avoid these particularly frequent incidents among humans. Sometimes I really wonder what Mother Nature’s plan was when she wired us. An animal with a crazed need for interaction and the affective abilities of a stone is a bold concept. These behavioral peculiarities could prove useful for survival after the apocalypse, who knows? While waiting for the final doomsday, life goes on and with it, our bad breakups and their embarrassing consequences… Or not.

Don’t overestimate the consequences of breakups

Without wanting to offend you, and although I don’t doubt that your separation was uncomfortable, my experience with Daronne of hearts has shown me much saltier ones.

Honestly, I’m not sure I fully understand the details of your breakup. Did you ghost him privately? Or did you provide him with explanations before ignoring him? Rhetorical question, the answer doesn’t really matter. Even if my first guess was correct, this embarrassed ghost wouldn’t make it past even the ugliest breakup contest preselection. To give you a point of comparison, a guy broke up with me one day because his dog disapproved of our relationship. So there you see, this is the breakup that looks good.

Don’t make me say what I haven’t said, readers. I do not approve of ghosting. I find this to be a great loose technique. That said, even the most virtuous among us sometimes act like great cowards. Let’s forgive ourselves. Provided that it is an exceptional crush (and not involving any violation of the penal or civil code), which leads to non-reproduction.

How to avoid embarrassment

If you fear that your amorous exploits could pollute your friends’ marriage, I am happy to report that your fear is rather presumptuous. I myself got married a few years ago, and I can tell you that I really had a thousand things in mind. On the other hand, knowing how my guests would handle their interpersonal intrigues was not a part of it. Truly.

As for you, and this Charles, even assuming that your reunion is under the sign of embarrassment, what is the worst thing that can happen to you? Having a bad night. Considering that we have 365 parties a year at our disposal, I think we can safely conclude that one rotten party will not change your life in any way.

It’s possible that Charles is still consumed with resentment and refuses to talk to you. Mortified, you will remain hidden in the toilets, until it is finally time to leave. You’ll go to bed with balls the size of the moon and the next day life will go back to normal.

That said, knowing the relationship humans have to champagne flutes, I anticipate a more enjoyable evening than expected. The reception should already relax the spirits. Add to that a proud Charles, who acts like he’s the most relaxed guy alive… Mix with your friend Thomas, even more booze and guests your own age to meet to lighten things up. And here’s a nice party just the way we like them!

How to behave at a friend’s wedding

I have written this letter on the assumption that you are reasonable, well educated adults. If you were thinking, despite everything, of snatching the microphone from the witnesses to intersperse their speeches with a public and benevolent apology to good old Charles, don’t. Instead, follow my advice to avoid discomfort:

• Excuse me: The first thing to do is apologize if necessary. These apologies may not warm up your future relationships, but that’s okay, personal comfort is never the goal of sincere repentance. If your estrangement is the result of a collective nullity, you can also take advantage of this PACS to smooth things over a drink.

• Ignore you: Simple and effective if any contact is impossible. During a wedding, we rarely have the opportunity to address all the guests without it being embarrassing. And there you go. Thanks Daronne!

• Don’t make it the wedding theme: In other situations, I would have urged you to make a point with the party planner. In this specific case, I beg you on the contrary: do not drag them into this story. A wedding is stressful enough to plan so you don’t have to referee the guests’ squabbles.

• Don’t put pressure on yourself: All you can do is apologize, be polite, and respectful. The rest is no longer yours. If the mood is icy, it won’t be your fault, it’s simply his choice.

I’ll leave you with this weird but poetic statement, why do I have to decline an RSVP,

bisette,

Your Daronne

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